The secret to being happy in 2016

This New Year's Day  I find myself on the Beach in Barbados, allowing the sound of the soft waves gently sooth my mind, each wave allowing for some much needed mental repair. Every Londoner knows that by the time January rolls around even with the rejuvenation of the holidays - London has a way of ruthlessly transforming the positive new resolute you to the familiar grouchy city dweller, no doubt shoving tourists our the way by mid Jan.

Luckily for me, angry Londoner Lois is on pause and my holiday tranquility has been extended, here in paradise. 

Barbados is a beautiful country vibrant people. Although the population isn't rich, they are extremely content. This is initially an odd thing for the hustling Londoner that I am to understand. Initially I suspected it's due to living in paradise- after all , if i lived here- I would be happy too... Right?! However one encounter had me questioning that. I soon realised that happiness isn't where you are but who you are.  

His name was Andrew, around 6 ft, rich cocoa completion, with a white peppered beard and  slim build he called to us as we were walking by and then we sat to chat- buying him a beer in exchange for some good conversation, we learned that he made and sold his own jewellery, had 3 adult daughters and had lived in Barbados his whole life- never leaving the island, about this he said, I live in paradise. For me, this is it, why would I ever leave? I meet the worlds most interesting people here, I have the sun, the sea, my family  it is all I need." His list of what made him happy was so short- so simple. It was a list that many of us already have. Many Americans live in idyllic beach side paradise too, yet seen to remain defiantly unhappy and the furthest thing from content. Considering this I deducted that the key to this mans happiness is that he had learned the art of being grateful for the basics of what he had. His gratitude was not contingent on things he wanted more than what he had, and so neither was his happiness. If you put your gratitude on hold until you have more, you are actually putting your happiness and life on hold. 

To unlock the happiness in your life look closely at the simple things you already have and often overlook- like family, friends, Shelter - then take time every morning this year to be truly grateful.

Write out what they are , recite why you are grateful for them. Before you know it happiness won't be an 8 hour flight away- it will be with you always. 

Happy New Year X I hope this keeps you on a positive path. Please share with friends and family ! 

Life by Lois 

Lessons On Living Shamelessly

Ever wondered what life would be like if you were shameless? Not pointlessly shameless like Kardashians butt pick, but you were decidedly and unapologetically who you wanted to be with no apologies.

Too often, embarrassment, fear of rejection and the wounds of past failures pain hinder us taking the most of an opportunity and living in the now. Yet if we look back at it, more often than not it is not the actual incident that was so bad, it was the emotional pain, chastisement and fear that we attributed to ourselves.

The gift of hindsight truly is a wonderful thing, yet the downsides of death bead revelations, is that it is all too late. To that, I am going to attempt to save you some time with a quote.

"Everything you want lies the other side of your fear". Shame is a useless emotion, the only person you should worry about letting down is you. And the only thing truly hard to forgive yourself for is not the risks you took that didn't pay off, rather it's the risks you didn't take that could of.

So today, I say feel the fear and go for it. The only person you will truly let down if you don't is yourself.

Learn to Say No

For women particularly simply saying no is something that is laden with guilt. We are taught that feminine role is one that is traditionally accommodating, long suffering and gracious.

From the Virgin Mary to my nana, I have grown up watching & learning about women who were martyrs, putting themselves last, 'yes ladies'. And it has completely affected my life. I am the poster child of a yes woman. Not wanting to let friends down, it is not uncommon for me to drop everything to get on board with anyone who asks. Time has shown me that this is not an ok, sustainable way to live. So I have started to practice saying no- and you know what- it's so liberating. 

I know it's so hard to say no. For the most part, it's a habit. It's a tough habit to break, but it's worth breaking. 

You see your yes should be precious, not something you simply give away to be polite. When approached with a proposition or a favour, seriously evaluate the benefits and risks, and if you haven't got the time, effort or energy just say no! 

How else can you possibly expect to be the boss of your own life if you ignore your better judgement to take up the tasks of others over your own priorities. 

This is your life and you are your main priority. Some people will just ask and ask until you have nothing left. It does not make you a bad person to say no. It makes you a conscious person. It's totally ok, look at Rosa Parks- one No can change the world. 

 This week I challenge you to say no. There is probably a bunch of things you say yes to on a daily basis you don't even notice. At work, with friends- at expense of your priorities. I'm not saying go nuts and be completely obtuse, just be mindful of your yes to no ratio. It doesn't make you a bitch, by saying no you are saying yes to yourself- and isn't it time you did that? 

Happy Sunday!

X

Why The Loner Is Actually The Coolest Kid In School.

In our society we are obsessed with being popular and being validated externally. We regard likes & follows as currency & accumulate them as proof of our worth, existence and value.We judge how pretty we feel we are based on how many likes a selfie gets, or how loved we are, based on how many people wish us happy birthday, or how successful we are, based on how many followers we have on Twitter.

 No longer is our sacred inner bank of self worth built on the gold standard of our own essence of self- rather we have traded that reliable matrix for a new, shoddy one. One that is rooted in whispers, and the public opinion of those who may not even know us. We entrust our intimate definition of self, to strangers, and in doing so we loose our strength.

The most accepted of society are the most vulnerable. Those who are pretty, and have always been told so, those who are gifted, and have been constantly praised. Those who have enjoyed and come to rely upon the sweet taste of external approval. Due to never having to generate their sense of worth internally, when they need to believe in themselves, they rely on others believing first, and so are always dependant on public opinion. It is a dangerous way to live. By cherishing the valuations of those external to us over our own, we devalue our opinion of ourself. It is time to break the cycle.

A lot of people ask me how I am so confident in myself, why I believe I am beautiful, and will say so. Why I believe I am smart, and tell myself. I will tell you why. When I was younger I was never the guys pick. I was never the prettiest, I was never the smartest in class. Others would receive praise from teachers, adults, peers, and I would wait my turn. My chance to be told I was beautiful, the cutest, the best and you know what? That pat on the head never came and so I had to switch the system. I was so done waiting for everyone else's approval I decided to sit in front of the mirror and give it to myself.

 I looked and I said, you know what? I think I am pretty. And I worked on improving the parts of me I felt needed working on. I sat down and started to spend time doing more of what I loved to do (writing) and I said to myself, I am pretty good at that too. I spent the time to get to know and to value myself and built an unshakable internal confidence. Your opinion of me? Is just that, YOUR opinion. Someone else's opinion of you? It's theirs, their problem. Constructive criticism has its place, but you must not allow sense of SELF to be formed and demolished based on others. Who are they anyway? Do they have to live with you? Are they going to get you where you need to be? No. Only you can do that, do don't let others break down your vehicle, in favour of their occasional lift.

Understand this- people make throw away comments all the time. Just look at internet trolls. The comments that you allow to rock your world? They wont loose a wink of sleep on. So honey, get some self respect and start to be the keeper of your worth.

It is time to be like the loner in school. That kid who has no friends and no one to tell them they are awesome, yet still comes in every day& fights on. Take time to tell yourself you are beautiful, that you are smart that you are worthy. Take time to believe it. Take time to enhance your strongest parts and improve on your weaknesses. Take time to believe in you and become the best you. Invest in yourself, study, grow. And lastly, my precious, don't you EVER allow another person to destroy your self worth again. You are valuable. You are the best you, you are unique. Trust and believe.

Any questions, comments or things you would like my advice on? Email info@lifebylois.com

Love,

Life by Lois








 We uphold those in society

The Bank of You: How to build inner confidence.

So how does one get as confident as hair flipping Beyonce, or as powerful as billionaire Oprah or as strong as Jennifer Anniston? (Who I think is one of the most commendable and classy women on the planet, who despite how the media tears into her, still keeps her head high).

How does one manage to build that unshakable confidence? Well for one, confidence is never unshakable, there will always come moments that have you questioning yourself- the difference with these people (and now with you) is that they will not last long- because they have a system and a mindset for managing their internal well being.

All the powerful women I admire Beyonce, Oprah and Victoria Beckham (yes, her, she went from a one of the spice girls and a footballers wife to an independent business powerhouse, recognised in her own right), all these woman have one thing in common- they see themselves as bigger than just a person- they treat themselves like a corporation.

The way our society is set up is that people are the little men and corporations call the shots. The banks and even the company you work for, has their contracts and agreements sewn up with you so that they are on the winning side. My point is it is time for individuals to start thinking the same.

This is where I introduce my concept of a bank. The Bank Of YOU.

Picture your self as a bank. Banks operate in their own interest. Here is how it works.

Basic principals:

Your Balance or capital:

Your balance is the most important thing and is made up of your time, energy and good feelings.
Any time you invest any of the above in someone else, you are investing for a return, of either time energy or good feelings.

Deposits:

Deposits are something anyone, including you can make. If you meet someone and they invest in you constantly, it may be worth opening an account with that person, where you too invest in them, under the understanding of mutual gain.

As banks invest their capital for their own benefit, so should you

Spend some time and energy investing in yourself, to generate good feelings. Feelings of confidence, feelings of self worth- which can be built up via meditation, time alone or gaining further skills. This will build up your balance further, and make you better prepared for rainy days. If you do not invest in yourself, ultimately your bank will not be viable.

Managing relationships.

Withdrawals: Withdrawals are things that people in your life may do, within the privilege of having a relationship with you. A withdrawal is any thing that consumes your time, energy or good feelings. You allow your friends to make these withdrawals, under the condition that they invest the same or more overall. For example, you may let your friend tell you all about their problems, and you may invest your energy in helping. However if it comes to the point where they withdraw far more than they have ever invested, the relationship makes no business sense and it is time to close their account. This is how you monitor your balance and ensure you do not crash. You cannot have emotional free-loaders.

Your friendships and relationships should work like a savings account, in which you invest a certain amount or your time, energy and good feelings over a length of time, and the friend or partner invests theirs. If someone is just gathering interest, and always withdrawing you need to move on from them.

Looking after the pennies

Far to often we hold on to the experiences that are negative on our emotional bank balance (being hurt or making mistakes) and we do not hold on to the good things that can boost our balance. They may just be little things, like someone saying your beautiful, talented funny or doing extra well at work one day, but they matter. And you need to be sure that you invest these good things to increase your balance and refer to whenever you are in self doubt.

Monitoring your balance

If you are particularly low in time, energy or good feelings- then do not invest them in others. Take time to rebuild your balance, so that you do not find yourself emotionally bankrupt. Keep your cup full so that negative things just slide off you, or so that you are emotionally prepared to deal with anything at all times.

Why is this principal so important?

The bank principal, enables you to keep in control of your emotional wellbeing, and ultimately builds confidence. It also helps you to keep a tab on who in your life is taking but not giving. This means that you will not be taken for granted as much, and find yourself emotionally bankrupt when you need to strong. By using this method of reasoning you will always ensure you have a minimum balance of what you need to continue. So as life happens you can always be ready. No one can take you down. You have invested in the bank of you.

One does not become confident by accident. It is a choice and it starts with conscientiously managing your relationships, your time and your energy. It is time to be the boss of your own life and steer your future to more happiness, fulfilment and inner peace.

You can do it! If you have any questions you would like me to answer, then please email me. info@lifebylois.com

Life By Lois

#TBT: Revive your inner child

I used to find all the talk of following dreams a little bit frustrating, chiefly because whilst others seemed to immediately know exactly what they wanted to be, for me it was not always so clear. I suppose a gap year would have been useful to ‘figure things out’ or ‘find myself’ but unfortunately life needed immediate attending to, and so I shelved self discovery in favour of self survival.

It was not until recently that I decided to take a retrospective look inward. I realised that in order to go forward I needed to travel back and consult someone that I had hushed, silenced and abused... my inner child. 

The voice of my inner child was weak, but it was still there. It was her who had always known what I wanted and what kind of person I should be, but very early on I had silenced her voice. Every time I embraced reality and neglected my hopes, or accepted other peoples negativity as truth over my own, I had hushed that voice that could ultimately free me.

I recently read this story and it inspired me. Meet Cory Neives, the 10 year old CEO of Mr Cory's Cookies, a business he initially started to help fund his mum buy a car, and now is very successful. How amazing is that? Forget the odds, this kid gets it. I am so glad he got to stretch his dreams before the world told him they weren't practical.

Your inner child is so important, because it is you before the worlds reality kicked in (and the worlds reality is BS). It is you at your most optimistic, your bravest and your most creative. Ask children who they want to be now, and then ask them in 20 years who they are and for the majority of them it wont match up. Usually this is not because what they wanted has changed, rather it is because they took an easier path, gave up or gave in to circumstances. Yet if Oprah can go from dirt poor, black and born in the wrong era to be a woman, to a billionaire major influencer, anything is possible. Reality has it’s place, but so does dreaming. It is all about persistence.

If you have neglected your inner child, it is time to apologise to yourself and slowly embark on the road to self restoration. Life is all a matrix, in order to learn how to manipulate its structure, you must first understand your own.

Like I said before, you can have what ever you want if you can only find the strength to admit it to yourself. Give the kid inside a microphone.

Don't quit your day dream

It happens to the best and brightest of us, somewhere between graduation hopes and student loan reality, we settled down into a job that for a lot of us wasn't exactly what we pictured- but hey, it pays the bills.

Now I am not here to beat you up for paying the bills, even if it is in a job miles away from what your passion or dream was. What I am here to beat you up for is neglecting your day dream. There is nothing wrong with having a 9-5 or 5-9 that takes care of basics, the problem comes when the path that helps you survive not live  takes over your passion or your dreams.

Your 9-5 survival job should only be just that, for surviving. Do not place it above the time and thought and consideration you owe yourself & what you really want to do. Always keep that dream alive, it may be through a second job, a weekend project or even an online blog (like this one) but make sure you keep one foot in the dream.

Why? Because this is ultimately what will keep you going in the hard times, and motivate you to continue with the daily grind. You see in our society we all have it twisted.

We work so that we can survive. We give up our passions to save effort and focus on work. Our dreams then become replaced with material dreams and milestones, which we use to numb the fact that we gave up our true dreams and passions, and between 9-5 don't feel like we are living.  We buy things to make us feel like we are living the life, but really all these things do is temporarily fill a make shift hole that can only truly be fulfilled by living our purpose.

Don't get me wrong- there is nothing wrong with owning things, but this was never to be a substitute for owing your life. Do not get the symptoms of success (car, house, money) distract you from the cause of success (happiness, truly doing what you are good at). When you take care of your day dreams, the symptoms of success will follow in abundance AND you will be happy.

You were meant to be brilliant. Whatever your day dream was or is, re-ignite it. Dust it off and work on it. And it will grow. I promise you that. I know at first it will feel like a lot of work to maintain alongside the daily grind, but what you are really doing is keeping yourself alive.

The worst thing in life is the regret of paths not taken. Don't loose your dream building someone else's.

Monday Survival: Stop Judging Yourself.

If you are not quite where you want to be in life Sunday night and the Monday commute can be real moments of reckoning. As you prepare to jump back it to your routine it is so easy to get stressed out about your short comings, unfinished projects and all the things that you feel you should be doing, that you are not. The frustration between where you are and where you want to be can be so aggravating, that you actually internalise that nervous energy and start to beat yourself up with stress.

Whilst reflective honest review is good, you also have to be careful that this does not mean that you are beating up the one thing that you rely on to progress (you). Wherever you are in life, give yourself a break- you are trying your best. And if you haven't been trying your best, forgive yourself, and rest in the knowledge that this week you can change it all around.

This Monday I would like you to go easy on yourself. Give your self a pat on the back for all the things you are doing right. Are there things you would like to change? Sure, and we will get to how to set about these later in the week, but for today, give your self some credit. You survived Monday.

You awesome fighter you.

Life by Lois.

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WANTED: That Saturday Feeling Everyday

Ah that Saturday feeling. It is not hard to stay optimistic on a Saturday, its the first day of the weekend, and no matter what happens, aint no one gonna kill your vibe.  It's not that someone wont try today, it is just that somehow on a Saturday we find it easier to elevate our mood away from negativity because Saturday's are our time and our time is precious.

Great motto, but what about the week days? How often do we allow negative people and negative things to own our moods, our dreams and our energy in the week? Too often we just expect to wake up miserable on a weekday because 'hey, its a weekday'. Our mood spirals from the first moments we wake up and we carelessly allow our mood to spiral from there.

We engage in bad news when we read the paper, we bitch about work and our colleges and when something goes wrong, instead of elevate ourselves, we hold on to the negativity and carry it through our day.

But no more. I say start everyday with that Saturday feeling, and protect your happiness through out the day. Happiness is not a destination, it is a journey. It is a decision you make every moment, and you need to fight for it and protect it because it is fragile. 

Own every day and live it on purpose. Rise above negativity, don't dwell in it. Maintain an aura of good vibes consistently through the week, and your outlook on life, your stress levels and your productivity will improve.

Good vibes or positive energy are so important, as they form the environment in which your growth takes place. Picture a plant, whether or not it grows to its full potential or grows at all is entirely reliant on its environment. You are the same. You will never reach your full potential if you allow your environment to be polluted on a daily basis. Fight for your happiness, every day is your life.

Happy Saturday,

Life by Lois

TGIF? The whole system is wrong.

Thank God it is Friday. Of all the days of the week Friday receives the most love. We may be considered a thankless secular nation yet Friday has us thanking God- because on Friday the freedom bells ring. Each week on the 5th day we band together with colleges and friends to celebrate the end of the week as if it is the end of a jail sentence. 

If that is exactly what it feels like to you,  I want you to ask yourself an honest question- does your living for the weekend equate to you living life JUST on the weekend? Have you signed away the other 5 days of your life in exchange for 2?

We live in a culture where it is totally acceptable to not love what you do. In fact that is putting it mildly, many people openly hate what they do. In society the things we love doing have been assigned the frilly word 'hobby', and should not be taken seriously. Work however, is a 'chore' and 'chores' should not be fun. 

When choosing a path in life, many of us navigate on the default assumption that happiness is an illegitimate factor for consideration. Perhaps this is because growing up, throughout religion and in school, we are taught that sacrifice is the holiest of deeds. We are taught that when it comes to work, sacrifice is required, and we all too readily sign away our happiness for 'practical' reasons. At some point in our 20's we killed our childish dreams, stopped stargazing and just kept our heads down. 

Well today I am challenging the status quo.

I say it is actually more harmful to society to sacrifice your happiness. As Marianne Williamson says, "Your playing small does not serve the world". Where would we be if The Wright Brothers had not pursued their passion of flight, or Beethoven of music or Einstein of science? Where would we be if Richard Branson had stayed in school?

It is a proven fact, you perform at your greatest potential when you do what you love, and the whole world (including you ) benefits too.When you love what you do you are more creative, more innovative and more successful. The sky really is the limit. 

You are an individual and you are unique. It is not OK to be a square peg in a round hole and just keep going on that way. Somewhere there is a square hole just for you. 

It is never too late to rethink things, Samuel Jackson only started acting in his 40s.

It is time to love Mondays. It is time to do the world and yourself a favour. It is time to be happy.

Choose a job you love, and never work a day in your life (Confucius)

Life By Lois

The Power of Gratitude

In the spirit of Thanksgiving season I thought I would write a post on the power of gratitude.

In our pressured lives, full of grinding & hustle, I am sure all of us have a wish list. A bulk of things we hope for, that we just know we will be grateful for once we receive it. That's the thing about gratitude, it's all too often attached to conditions in the future or slapped on lazilly once we are guiltily reminded that we have more food and shelter than most. 

In fact being grateful or giving thanks is something essentially considered as an added courtesy or nothing more than good manners- rather than a way of life or something we do for our own good.

I think this stems from childhood, my earliest memories of gratitude all take place in this reoccurring event. 

As a kid I loved my food, so much so in fact that I remember, the day after a big meal, telling myself off mentally for the food that I didn't get to eat due to being too full. Yes that's how much I loved food. Anyway, I also remember burning inside from the repressed urge being forced to wait until after prayer (a lengthly one if it was at church)  before tucking in.  Being grateful, was always in the way between me, and what I loved- food.

Similar situations have formed many kids turned adults relationships towards being grateful. We still operate on the understanding that gratitude is a courteous formality to get out the way, so you can get what you want. 

Today however, I would like to shake up that theory. Gratitude is far more powerful. Gratitude is key to happiness and contentment, and similar to "it is more blessed to give than to receive" gratitude does a lot more good to the one who is grateful than it does the person receiving the thanks.

So take a look back at your life, ignore the wish list. With the fact that gratitude is for your own good, I want you to seriously start to put your heart into being grateful for every element of your life. Think about your family, think about your friends think of their smiles, think of every element that you love in life.

Puts you in a good place doesn't it? According to the secret law of attraction,  a positive place is a far more powerful place to attract the things you want to you. In fact it has been proven by many people, the power of gratitude in evoking positive change in your life. It also helps maintain a winning mentality. When we just focus on what we don't have, and wish for what we do want, we put ourself in a losers mentality. You are a winner, you have already won, be it with your family, your personality or your friends, you win on a daily basis. Now isn't it natural that a winner can win some more? Gratitude builds you up- and it all starts from within. 

So next time, before you rattle off a list of what you want, don't forget the crucial warm up. Be grateful, be happy. 

Life by Lois

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Why You Should Stop Sharing (It's for your own good)

We live in a share happy culture. We share what is awesome about us and hide what isn't. We shout about our success and quietly cry about our failures. Whilst sharing is portrayed as liberating, in reality it is actually crippling due to the reverse side of the coin- the things a perfect image makes you hide.

Keeping up appearances is nothing new-portraying a perfect life, at odds with reality, is a game as old as time. Whether it is posing perfectly at church minutes after screaming at each other in the car or having an argument with your partner before smiling for a family photo- we have all been there. Whilst the game may be old, social media has upped the stakes. 

When appearances were maintained as a family, failures were handled in the family which allowed for some sort of support. However now, because we enthusiastically share every step on the path to success publicly, we have created a captive audience (many of whom we don't actually know or care too much about) who we 'report to'. On the flip side when things go wrong, even though we keep this to ourselves, the weight of the audiences judgement remains, resulting in us mourning our personal failures in pressured isolation.

This is what makes failure so terrifying. As I said in my last post, fear of failure is the kryptonite of success. Failures, setbacks, trials- they're all a part of life and are steps on the way to your goal. 

Being afraid of failure is what makes you so afraid of trying again, and that is what will keep you from success.

My remedy to society? 

1.Stop working so hard on your external image, and start working internally. 

2.Nurture your dreams like plants, grow them. When good news happens- bank it for yourself- it is yours not the worlds. 

3.Protect your dreams by keeping them to yourself in the formative stages- they are fragile. Tread each step on the path to success confidently and quietly.

By doing this, when you experience a setback, it will not be so powerful because you do not have to worry about your PR image. Figure it out for yourself. The world can wait.

It is time to take the power out of fear. The best way to do it is to ban the audience.

Love,

Lois

Life By Lois

Monday Motivation : 5 ways to "fight for your sh*tty little life"

It's my favourite scene in the movie Bridesmaids when Megan beats lead character Annie, screaming "I am life, I am gonna bite you in the ass, what are you gonna do about it? I am trying to get you to fight for your shitty little life". Annie of course, was in the middle of an epic pity party. Everything had fallen apart, her relationship (nothing makes the sky greyer than love trouble), her job (which she hated anyway, but still), her apartment ( where she lived with weirdo's but at least it was some shred of independence) and now she finds her self stuck at her mothers house jobless, whilst her friends appear to be living epic lives.

How many of us have felt this way? Well fine if the rest of you wont raise your precious little hands, but I know I have. That feeling when the sky is just falling down and you don't have the energy, or even know how to put it back up again. In those moments, its often easier to welcome defeat, put on a cloak of excuses and wait for the world to swallow you up or a miracle to happen. Now wound licking is cool for a few days - heck maybe a week... but it cannot last forever. In Megan's words "I am life, beating the crap out of you". This article is for anyone who has ever lost their footing...How to fight for your shitty little life.

1. Put away any childish expectations that life is straight forward.

Because its not. This is one reason why people feel so shit. When life kicks them in the ass, they are somehow surprised. Well stop that nonsense now. Life is a boxing match, be prepared to fight, be prepared to be knocked down - and be prepared to get back up and win. Once you adjust these expectations, you can stop judging, condemning & guilt tripping yourself for experiencing one of the most common events in life: set backs. Now the reason I put those emotions in italics just there is because they are useless feelings to snap out of. They end up in self pity. You have suffered a set back? So what. So have lots of people. This is life, and beating yourself up is not going to solve anything. In fact, now is the time to get up and start learning from your mistakes. Like a boxer- it is time to retrain for the next show down.

2. Put on your blinkers

So I have started on this boxing analogy, and what the heck- I like it so I will continue. So there you are. Just suffered a defeating match, and you are retraining to win. First of all- congratulations for getting back up. Now you are up there is one thing you cannot afford to do and that is pay attention, mind and energy to your competition. No, you are not fighting their fight, you are fighting your fight. You have to work on YOU. So pay no mind to Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and all the accounts of everyone who appears to be doing better than you. You need to focus, this is strategy time.

3. Strategy Time.

So now that you are in strategy mode, take an honest, non judgemental look at what went wrong last time. Now in the Bridesmaid film, she lost her job. But she hated her job anyway. Chances were that if she had not of got fired she would have left. Important life note: There is no point getting up if you are going to remake the same mistakes. Learn from them. In the film, the reason why she worked at that job she hated was because she tried her passion (it was having her own bakery) and it hadn't worked out. As a result she was stuck in a rut due to fear of failure. Now let me tell you something for free, fear of failure is the kryptonite of success. Like I said in the boxing analogy- expect to fail until you win. Stop letting it be a surprise. Once it is no longer a surprise it is no longer something that can frighten you. Admit what your dream is and start to strategise towards it. I don't care how small or big the steps to getting what you truly want out of life are. Just plan, draw the path to your dream and execute. Picture the glory end goal that dream is your motivation.

4. Winning Mentality

I have said this in previous post but I will say it again. You can have anything you want in life if you only have the courage to admit to yourself what it is. I don't care how crazy amazing it is. Admit it, and visualise it. Let this form your winners mindset. You have a goal and expect to win. So, every step you take on your planned path to your dream, take that step like a winner. Jump right in. 

I was watching a video by motivational speaker Eric Thomas (click link to watch) and he was saying , I am paraphrasing" you deserve to see what your life is like if you put in 120%...All this time you have been putting in 70%, 80% and you have been seeing - 70%, 80% rewards. It is time for you to experience the benefits of life at 120%. Now there is a reason that I asked you to admit what you really want and set an end goal. And that is because, you can only put in 120% consistently if you know you are doing it for YOU.  It is important that you have what you will get out of this in mind as it will keep you going through the hard times. 

5. Ignore Nay sayers & stick to the plan.

Back to the boxer analogy. So you are back in the gym, back on the training plan. Eating like a pro. Now a lot of your friends will not be doing life the same way as you, a few people may have some things to say about what your doing, ignore them. They are on a different plan. Here is another rule. If you want extraordinary rewards, expect an extraordinary path. Your path wont be like theirs because your goal isn't the same. Your goal is yours. I would actually go as far to say keep your plan to yourself, and share it only with other like minded and truly supportive people. It is precious, like a small plant it needs positive energy to grow. Do not doubt your path because its off course compared to others. For example, say your dream was to become an athlete. That does not pay out initially. So you may have to get a part time job to fund your dream. Whilst your other friends are in 9-5's you may feel like a looser, because on paper it looks like you haven't got things together. I say ignore the paper. This is why you need to stay focussed. The only person who needs to believe in the plan is you. Do not get trapped by labels. Do not give up your dream so you can rattle off some semi impressive job title- that you know others would love but you personally will hate. Live for you, answer to yourself... You only get one life.

I hope this post has helped someone who has felt like giving up, or has ever doubted their dream. Writing this has even helped me. In closing let me say this:  never forget that life is a match. A violent match. Expect setbacks, but also expect the glory. And when you reach your goal, you may have to defend your title. So always keep in peak condition, and always keep improving. It is not over till its over. Never stop investing in you. 

You can do it. Happy Monday.

Life by Lois 

x

And here it is the scene that started this, enjoy!

6 things to stop apologising for. Now.

If you are anything like me, you fall into an apology before you have even noticed one stumbling out your mouth. Whilst I am a big fan of apologies when they are genuinely due, if you over apologise for things- it just makes you look weak, and the other person assume it is OK to treat you that way. So for all of you self deprecating sweet hearts, here are 6 times its totally ok to not be sorry.

1. Feeling like you are not in the right place despite it looking like a great path to others.

This one applies to work and relationships, and stems from caring what others think, to your detriment. If you find yourself in a relationship that just doesn't feel right for no other reason other than you know its not for you- or a job which would be perfect for millions of other people but it just doesn't feel right to you- stop apologising, and devaluing your feelings. I read a great quote off of an Instagram picture yesterday, it said " Your fear of looking stupid is holding you back". This is so true for so many people and is the main reason we apologise and look to others to validate our core feelings about life. But I say stop that right now. You are an individual and whilst taking girlfriends to the loo together for moral support is a childhood habit many of us still practice, needing to validate our core feelings past every friend, and then disregarding them if no one agrees needs to stop. Take your feelings seriously, it is your life.

2. Wanting your space.

This one is a common one. Your friends or even your partner wants to hang out and you just want your space, but you feel awful for it. Well I say don't. In this life what I am realising increasingly is that the only thing that can keep you going, is the strength you build up from within. So invest in yourself. Invest in thinking positively, being alone and getting to know yourself. Alone time and wanting your space is not anti social it is actually pro social because you can only be the best friend, girlfriend, sister, brother, boyfriend, husband or wife if you are the best you.  So take that time. And stop apologising.

3. Out growing people.

This is a toughie. You have a set of friends or a certain friend that you have known for a while, and as the time moves on you realise that you have outgrown them. It is awkward because you may feel bad but the more you hang out the things that used to seem ok to you just aren't anymore. Well in my opinion this is perfectly natural, we are all on a different path and it is inevitable that you will out grow some people- in fact it's healthy! Instead of trying to change them accept things have changed and move on before things get ugly. 

4. Not putting up with others mess.

Since we were kids we were told to be long suffering, that patience was a virtue. One look at your mother or grandmother probably reminds you of a lifetime of prayer & disappointment that putting up with others mess will bring. Now I come from the new school of life. That is you only get one life (that you know of) so stop martyring your self for others. Stop putting up with those who put you down, walk all over you and take but never give. Stop putting up with those who embarrass you in public. Some people will treat you badly, and then somehow get mad at you for calling it out. I say stop apologising and tell it like it is. Oh and if this is a reoccurring event, refer to point 3, you have out grown them.

5. Feeling demotivated.

Why should you not apologise for this one? Because it happens that's why. Rather than constantly apologise, I say look at the root of what is causing your demotivation. Is it energy related? If so go to the docs and check your hormone & vitamin levels. If it is work related- take a look at why you feel that way. Is this really what you want to do? It is never too late to reevaluate your life.

6. Not having it all figured out.

It is ok not to have an answer for everything in life, be it religion, work, relationships. Life is a journey and if you keep positive and open to it, you can make some wonderful discoveries. The most important thing is that you stay honest about what you like and what you don't like, without fear- as these are the indicators to what will make you happy in life. For example, if you feel you should marry for love & money is not your main priority in life - don't settle for a rich man you don't love because others feel you should. Take your own priorities seriously and let them guide you to the right thing in life. Remember - you can have anything you want in life, if you only have the courage to admit it to yourself. So take time getting to know yourself, and admit what YOU want and need without fear. Then go get it. And don't worry if you don't have it all figured out on paper to show others. True growth happens from within and just because it is not yet externally visible does not mean it doesn't count.

The Interracial Matchmakers: how to get over a break up

 

 

Here is a piece co-written by my and the Interracial Matchmakers. Enjoy.

 

To set the scene - there you are/ were, crying into you morning muffin....finding it difficult to see past the seemingly eternal emotional cloud you are under. That's the funny thing about love pain, it follows you everywhere, keeping you under no matter what the weather, However, take comfort in the fact we are here to guide you through the storm- and it wont last forever.

I live by the philosophy that storms are easier to weather when forecasted...Similarly, it's important to know what to expect after a break up, the stages can be related to the 5 stages of grief or loss. Before you review these,  there are two questions to address:

"Have you actually gotten over your break-up?"

"Do you actually want to get over your break-up?"

If you want to get over it read on, if you want them back... stay tuned.

So the 5 Stages of mourning the loss of a relationship mirror those of grief itself and are as follows:

Stage 1 - Denial

This is the stage where you experience a type of disbelief, a wrestling with reality and dazed confusion or shock. You really don't want to believe the painful reality; you may even be tempted to contact your ex. Best to resist. If needs be, get a friend to watch over your phone on a night out or a girly session in. Needy texts immediately after a break up do not look good. Give it room to breathe...give yourself room to think.

Stage 2 - Anger

Here emotions may flair, you may be angry at yourself or your ex. You may take it out on yourself, them or those around you. This is a difficult one, because lashing out at your supports may be a regrettable side effect. So if you catch yourself saying something you will regret to your friends family and loved ones, apply the stop drop and roll method to cool it down. Stop... talking, seriously even if you are mid rant. If you realise you are being unreasonable and lashing out just stop. Drop... drop your tone and apologise, say its a hard time for you, etc...And roll.. roll on out of there and get some air & time to think. Alone time can help you come to terms with it all. 

Stage 3 - Bargaining

Negotiation and blame feature here, you may still be tempted to contact your ex. to negotiate a restoration of your relationship, even reaching out to his/her extended networks and involving mutual friends. DO NOT DO this, your not ready. I argue no ones ready- after a break up space is key...even if you do ultimately want them back give it space and alow for healing.

Stage 4 - Depression

This stage is a stage of regrettable sadness, you'll need plenty of reassurance and hugs from friends, as with all these stages. I say tough it through....its inevitable. Just take courage knowing it wont last forever. Keep your self busy by working out & working on yourself. Take classes. DO NOT wallow. Do not over eat. Don't buy into the American solution of ice cream after a break up, heart broken and putting on weight is not going to make you feel better.

Stage 5 - Acceptance

Although not entering as a grand finale, this stage is the gradual and calm acceptance that allows you to move on. It can become the beginning of a brighter future. You are single and there are a world of other singles...with us here to navigate you to the best ones. Take heart - the horizon looks beautiful.

Once you go through these stages, you are through the worst of the storm.

Next up.... what to do if you don't want to be over it/ want them back. Stay tuned!

The New Year Escape Plan... A different kind of resolution

One good thing about a recession is that it gets people thinking.  The sea of uncertainty separates the rodents who can jump, from those who prefer to go round in a wheel. A recession builds as much as it breaks, demanding initiative and independent determination from the individual who sees opportunity.

Unfortunately such an individual may go unprovoked for the majority of the year, distracted by the monotony of the yearly cycle, justified by the supposed worthiness of their contribution to the wheel of society. Yes, they silence that nagging voice that urges there could be more by plodding away in the system, allowing the years materialistic and artificial milestones to allow the illusion of progress. Yet ever so often something wonderful happens, circumstances align to awaken the individual to hope...a hope for more. And I mean a real more, not a more as in more things, more money, more clothes. More as in make more of a difference, more as in more happiness, more as in more success. This awakening is perhaps never more widespread as The New Year.

The New Year is an opportunity to pause and review, to look back at what one has been doing and evaluate if it is working. Typical New Years Resolution’s tend to favor a todo list of self improvements such as loosing weight or being nicer. Such resolutions are fine for the person who is more or less happy with their position on the rat wheel of society. However I would argue that for those individuals who know in their heart there is more, such resolutions are a cheap temporary filler for a permanent gaping hole.

Let me break it down some more, if you hate your job, if you are under appreciated and under paid, if you have a dream or a vision for contributing more to the world, if you have a business idea- if you have any of these, and your New Years Resolution is along the lines of ‘be nicer to Sally’ or ‘drop 10 lb’s’  you’re selling your self short.

Let your resolution be to sort your life out. I know thats daunting. I know thats a lot. I know that it is certainly more of a challenge then a neatly packaged pre suggested generic resolution, but it is what actually needs resolving. Each time you sit in that job you hate, with no plan of escape, or put off your traveling or charity work, or shelf your big idea you are abusing your spirit. Now let me be clear, I am not saying quit, sell up thy things and follow my teachings. I am simply saying make the resolution to water the seed of potential in you.

What does that look like you ask? Picture your mind is in a prison (thats right, I am getting all Matrix on your ass). When you first got into this prison, you had dreams of escape, dreams of more than the existence thrust upon you, but as time moved on reality took over the dream, and like a broken horse, you accustomed yourself to your surroundings and accepted your lot.  I am trying to help you escape.

The first step of escape is to realize that one is trapped. I think we have established that. The second step to escape is to visualize life on the other side, feed your dreams and acknowledge their realness. The third step is to plan escape, and the forth is to actually escape.

This year put into place a plan to get closer to your dream. That may take the form of sacrificing your ‘free time’ to research, plan and build. That may sound like a bummer but let me say this- it’s not free time until you are actually free, and doing what you were born to do.  

So, if you feel that New Year Itch, scratch it. Work hard, Act fast. Set goals and work towards them now. January is like a rapidly closing window of awakening. If you don’t establish a plan now, pretty soon the monotony of the wheel will have entrapped you into its superficial routine. Time is precious, and so are you. If you know you are not living to your full potential, resolve to rectify this in 2014. I know times are tough and uncertain and blah blah blah- but these are the times you were dealt. And news flash the world has never been easy. You owe it to yourself. Escape.