If you're naturally an anxious person, there is no doubt that you have been told by well meaning peppy friends that the best way to overcome fear is to just "feel the fear and go for it" you know, do it anyway. This sounds great in principle, like an inspirational quote that should be written on a poster with panther, however in practice it's not so easy to silence your fears and positively push on.
My anxious friends, I feel you- there is certainly a scale of anxiety, and for those of you who are most severe, I strongly suggest seeking medical help, as severe anxiety is no joke, but for those moderates, I have come across a tactic that just might help you muster the courage and go for it.
The premise of this trick is inspired by Eckhart Tolle's, The Power of Now (a great book, must read). The central premise is, you are not your mind. Meaning there is a you that is infinitely powerful, and there is your mind. Your mind is full of worry, pain of past hurt and fear, it is the voice by which you evaluate situations. Eckhart encourages you to silence your mind and learn that sometimes it can be your biggest enemy.
Now it is difficult to silence your mind, some say its impossible, however after some consideration I decided that there is indeed some merit to separating your self (you at your best, who you were meant to be) from your weak, fretting mind. I decided to try something. To separate the thinking negative into one person in my mind (weakness) and develop another voice of strength. The voice of strength is focussed on what I want in life, and fed by my visualisations of a better life. The voice of weakness is that inevitable fearful voice, that gets in the way and usually psyches me out of doing what I need to do. Now that I had separated the two, negative thoughts could not run riot without being consciously checked. This is so important, as anyone with anxiety will know that left unchecked, one fearful thought will grow to a deafening riot. See your negative thoughts as bullies, bullies that given half the chance will have you living in fear, and never realising the life you were meant for. See your positive thoughts as your best friend, sticking up for you against the bullies and reminding you of why you're here, and that you can do it, pit the two against each other, and mindful of what you want out of life, ensure your best you wins!
I find this really helps me in situations where I feel fear getting the best of me and I hope it helps you too. I guess sometimes spilt personalities can be a good thing ;)
Girl meets boy. Boy starts flirting with girl. Girl likes boy. Girl finds out that boy has a girlfriend. Girl is like WTF?
Sadly, its a tale as old as time scenario which I am sure we have all experienced, witnessed or advised on. You meet a guy who seems perfect, and what is even more perfect is he definitely likes you. Everything is going swimmingly until someone else, in some cases him, drops the bomb that he has a girlfriend. What is even weirder? His flirty behaviour and longing looks don't stop now the jig is up. If anything, they get stronger. Here you find yourself in a weird WTF twilight zone.
I have witnessed so many friends go though this. Nice girls. Who have sat back so many times before and watched a ballsier girl get the guy, or had a ballsier girl in the same situation, steal theirs. After a while of nice girls finishing last, a few have asked me should they just mean up and take him. I mean, he obviously isn't happy, in many cases he may have even told them so. Maybe he just needs a helping hand. You are clearly what he wants and for once in your life its time you won something right? Wrong. He aint no prize honey.
Why? In this situation the ball is entirely in his court. Whilst I understand how he could meet someone else (you) he likes more than his current (shit happens) it is totally not OK to just pine emotionally for someone else (you) for too long without any action to rectify his home situation and move on. Men like this are weak. They do no favours to you, or his current girlfriend.
I mean, who the hell does he think he is? Has he even told his girlfriend that he is having second thoughts in the relationship, giving her a chance or a heads up? Or does he just think he is some kind of irresistible pimp that both you must want? I bet that if his girlfriend knew he wasn't 100% in, she could start winking back at a few men in her life too. But he is not giving her that benefit is he? No, because he likes holding all the cards. You're blind, she's blind, he's a pimp.
Personally, one of the worst things in the world for me is to be with a man who secretly wants someone else but is too chicken to tell me. You having second thoughts bruh? I like to know these things because if you don't want to be here, I don't want to keep you here. This isn't jail, and I am not your parole officer. So many times guys build it up in their head like they are doing their girlfriend a favour by sticking with her when they would rather move on, but in reality that is just boosting their ego.
Anyway back to you. You don't want to get in on this messy BS. Dip you toe in and you will surely drown. He is the one who needs to recognise his feelings and act accordingly. Like a man. He should sort out his relationship first and if it is worth salvaging- do that. If it is dead, he needs to end it- and then come for you. Otherwise he is just weak- someone who gazes at what they want without the courage to go get it. And do you really want a guy like that? Only for you to have him and then in a few years he starts pining for your friends, whilst in his head you are second best? No honey. To someone else you will be first.
My advice, do nothing. Keep being nice (he may be sorting things out in the background) but DO NOT get involved. A relationship takes a lot of unpacking and there is enough to sort out between the two of them without you. You will only become collateral damage if he does sort it out with his girlfriend and if he leaves her due to your advances, you end up with a booby prize- a weak man, who can't act on what he wants.
That's my take on it anyway. Hope it was helpful :)
Although loathed the world over, one thing that can be said for Mondays, they offer the opportunity of a fresh start, and a renewed outlook on life.
I came across the following video last night and had to share. It is all about repositioning your outlook on life. As opposed to looking to take, you are looking to give. Give your talents, your time, your love and apply this outlook to every challenge and moment you engage in today.
For example,
on the bus: give a smile: you are giving someone else the opportunity to smile.
at work: give 100%: you are giving your colleagues an opportunity to experience you at your best
with friends and family: give 100% attention: you are giving them the chance to truly connect with you.
The great thing about giving is you receive. It's a fact of life. As you approach the day, not from "what can I take?", rather "what can I give?", the day will open up for you, opportunities will make themselves available to you, and you will attract more giving like minded people.
You were made to give your greatness, and you have it in abundance. Today, share it.
For women particularly simply saying no is something that is laden with guilt. We are taught that feminine role is one that is traditionally accommodating, long suffering and gracious.
From the Virgin Mary to my nana, I have grown up watching & learning about women who were martyrs, putting themselves last, 'yes ladies'. And it has completely affected my life. I am the poster child of a yes woman. Not wanting to let friends down, it is not uncommon for me to drop everything to get on board with anyone who asks. Time has shown me that this is not an ok, sustainable way to live. So I have started to practice saying no- and you know what- it's so liberating.
I know it's so hard to say no. For the most part, it's a habit. It's a tough habit to break, but it's worth breaking.
You see your yes should be precious, not something you simply give away to be polite. When approached with a proposition or a favour, seriously evaluate the benefits and risks, and if you haven't got the time, effort or energy just say no!
How else can you possibly expect to be the boss of your own life if you ignore your better judgement to take up the tasks of others over your own priorities.
This is your life and you are your main priority. Some people will just ask and ask until you have nothing left. It does not make you a bad person to say no. It makes you a conscious person. It's totally ok, look at Rosa Parks- one No can change the world.
This week I challenge you to say no. There is probably a bunch of things you say yes to on a daily basis you don't even notice. At work, with friends- at expense of your priorities. I'm not saying go nuts and be completely obtuse, just be mindful of your yes to no ratio. It doesn't make you a bitch, by saying no you are saying yes to yourself- and isn't it time you did that?
"Be somebody who makes everybody feel like a somebody."
I recently came accross this quote on @itsdaver 's Instagram, and it really resonated with me.
Since the dawn of time the magnetic & charismatic among men have been elevated to Kings, Queens, writers, artists and poets. Called to court and consulted on their thoughts and opinions. Loved, revered and followed. Think Oscar Wilde, Marilyn Monroe, Maya Angelou - even Jesus, these people have gone down in history and will be remembered for their raw magnetism. Yet what was it about them that made so many people agree that they were worth knowing, listening to, following and most importantly, remembering?
In our generation, more than ever we crave fame, public notariety and acceptance. Social media has done a good job of making us all quite self centred and has granted a few a cheap sense of fame. People are insta-famous for what's on the surface, and this has caused the word fame to have a bad connotation. However I think we can all agree that there was something special about the fame of the ages, something from the icons that we can all learn from. You may not want to be famous, but I'm sure you'd certainly like to be magnetic. Here is how.
Being truly iconic must start from within and radiate out to all those you meet. It's an energy, it's a pleasantness, it's taking the time to be genuinely interested in others, not just because you think their important, just because you respect and care about them as a human being.
It sounds pretty basic, but it is so essential. These days people think it's cool to throw a little shade to those they feel are below them, but this is emotionally immature and essentially basic behaviour. Smart people are nice to everyone, from the door man to the Pope. Does the sun discriminate on who it shines on? No. And don't we all love to bask in it's glow..? People need to feel special, loved & important. In this world where so many can feel anonymous, it's so rare to find someone genuinely interested, and engaging. Be the sun. Warm, radiating, life giving & most importantly, don't discriminate on who shine on.
Let your manner be warm to all you meet
Let your positive energy radiate externally to all who you come in contact with
Let your words breathe life and optimism into the lives of others.
And then, truly you will earn your place in the hall of greats. It all starts from within.
It's Tuesday, and the fortunate of you will still be feeling fresh from the weekend, the other half however will be transfixed on the seemingly endless expanse of weekdays left before Friday. Whichever side of the glass half full camp you belong to, I thought it would be a good idea to share a motivational message I came across by none other than Will Smith.
For me, Will Smith is the picture of success. Not just because he is rich, talented and has a great family, a lot of it is because he is unapologetically himself, and comfortable in his own skin. He seems so sure, and focussed. Many people have good things, but how wonderful it would be to actually love your self and be happy when you get them. So what can we learn from Hollywoods leading man.
Lesson 1. Set your destination"You can have anything you want if you just decide"- Will Smith
What are you running to? Where are you trying to go? Without this being figured out, everything else in life can seem meaningless. Knowing your destination brings purpose to your life, happiness optimism and hope. You are not a piece of driftwood in the sea, you are in command of your own life. I don't care how big or ridiculous what you want is, decide what it is and set your compass in that direction. Do you think it made sense when Christopher Columbus set out to discover the new world? Or Armstrong the moon. Yet there you are in America, and there are men walking on the moon. There is a power to making a decision a destination and visualising the finish line. The universe responds and gets behind your wishes. So in the words of Will Smith "Just decide". Its the hardest part.
Lesson 2. Focus on building the wall brick by brick
Will Smith told a story about how when he was a child his father challenged he and his brother to build a huge wall. Obviously being children, they had never built a wall, and had no idea how to. When they asked their father how they could possibly build this wall, he responded 'brick by brick'. And so although it took forever, Will and his brother focussed on laying every brick perfectly. Instead of focussing on the huge challenge ahead and getting overwhelmed, they instead focussed on what they could control in the now- laying each brick to the best of their ability. It is the same with your life. If you look at where you want to be ultimately and compare it to where you are now it can seem so overwhelming, yet if you focus on doing today as good as you can, staying positive in every minute. Saying no to negativity and yes to hope, before you know it you will be one brick closer to building your dreams.
Lastly, be patient. It will take time but you will get there. Keep going.
In our society we are obsessed with being popular and being validated externally. We regard likes & follows as currency & accumulate them as proof of our worth, existence and value.We judge how pretty we feel we are based on how many likes a selfie gets, or how loved we are, based on how many people wish us happy birthday, or how successful we are, based on how many followers we have on Twitter.
No longer is our sacred inner bank of self worth built on the gold standard of our own essence of self- rather we have traded that reliable matrix for a new, shoddy one. One that is rooted in whispers, and the public opinion of those who may not even know us. We entrust our intimate definition of self, to strangers, and in doing so we loose our strength.
The most accepted of society are the most vulnerable. Those who are pretty, and have always been told so, those who are gifted, and have been constantly praised. Those who have enjoyed and come to rely upon the sweet taste of external approval. Due to never having to generate their sense of worth internally, when they need to believe in themselves, they rely on others believing first, and so are always dependant on public opinion. It is a dangerous way to live. By cherishing the valuations of those external to us over our own, we devalue our opinion of ourself. It is time to break the cycle.
A lot of people ask me how I am so confident in myself, why I believe I am beautiful, and will say so. Why I believe I am smart, and tell myself. I will tell you why. When I was younger I was never the guys pick. I was never the prettiest, I was never the smartest in class. Others would receive praise from teachers, adults, peers, and I would wait my turn. My chance to be told I was beautiful, the cutest, the best and you know what? That pat on the head never came and so I had to switch the system. I was so done waiting for everyone else's approval I decided to sit in front of the mirror and give it to myself.
I looked and I said, you know what? I think I am pretty. And I worked on improving the parts of me I felt needed working on. I sat down and started to spend time doing more of what I loved to do (writing) and I said to myself, I am pretty good at that too. I spent the time to get to know and to value myself and built an unshakable internal confidence. Your opinion of me? Is just that, YOUR opinion. Someone else's opinion of you? It's theirs, their problem. Constructive criticism has its place, but you must not allow sense of SELF to be formed and demolished based on others. Who are they anyway? Do they have to live with you? Are they going to get you where you need to be? No. Only you can do that, do don't let others break down your vehicle, in favour of their occasional lift.
Understand this- people make throw away comments all the time. Just look at internet trolls. The comments that you allow to rock your world? They wont loose a wink of sleep on. So honey, get some self respect and start to be the keeper of your worth.
It is time to be like the loner in school. That kid who has no friends and no one to tell them they are awesome, yet still comes in every day& fights on. Take time to tell yourself you are beautiful, that you are smart that you are worthy. Take time to believe it. Take time to enhance your strongest parts and improve on your weaknesses. Take time to believe in you and become the best you. Invest in yourself, study, grow. And lastly, my precious, don't you EVER allow another person to destroy your self worth again. You are valuable. You are the best you, you are unique. Trust and believe.
Any questions, comments or things you would like my advice on? Email info@lifebylois.com
I used to find all the talk of following dreams a little bit frustrating, chiefly because whilst others seemed to immediately know exactly what they wanted to be, for me it was not always so clear. I suppose a gap year would have been useful to ‘figure things out’ or ‘find myself’ but unfortunately life needed immediate attending to, and so I shelved self discovery in favour of self survival.
It was not until recently that I decided to take a retrospective look inward. I realised that in order to go forward I needed to travel back and consult someone that I had hushed, silenced and abused... my inner child.
The voice of my inner child was weak, but it was still there. It was her who had always known what I wanted and what kind of person I should be, but very early on I had silenced her voice. Every time I embraced reality and neglected my hopes, or accepted other peoples negativity as truth over my own, I had hushed that voice that could ultimately free me.
I recently read this story and it inspired me. Meet Cory Neives, the 10 year old CEO of Mr Cory's Cookies, a business he initially started to help fund his mum buy a car, and now is very successful. How amazing is that? Forget the odds, this kid gets it. I am so glad he got to stretch his dreams before the world told him they weren't practical.
Your inner child is so important, because it is you before the worlds reality kicked in (and the worlds reality is BS). It is you at your most optimistic, your bravest and your most creative. Ask children who they want to be now, and then ask them in 20 years who they are and for the majority of them it wont match up. Usually this is not because what they wanted has changed, rather it is because they took an easier path, gave up or gave in to circumstances. Yet if Oprah can go from dirt poor, black and born in the wrong era to be a woman, to a billionaire major influencer, anything is possible. Reality has it’s place, but so does dreaming. It is all about persistence.
If you have neglected your inner child, it is time to apologise to yourself and slowly embark on the road to self restoration. Life is all a matrix, in order to learn how to manipulate its structure, you must first understand your own.
Like I said before, you can have what ever you want if you can only find the strength to admit it to yourself. Give the kid inside a microphone.
In the spirit of Thanksgiving season I thought I would write a post on the power of gratitude.
In our pressured lives, full of grinding & hustle, I am sure all of us have a wish list. A bulk of things we hope for, that we just know we will be grateful for once we receive it. That's the thing about gratitude, it's all too often attached to conditions in the future or slapped on lazilly once we are guiltily reminded that we have more food and shelter than most.
In fact being grateful or giving thanks is something essentially considered as an added courtesy or nothing more than good manners- rather than a way of life or something we do for our own good.
I think this stems from childhood, my earliest memories of gratitude all take place in this reoccurring event.
As a kid I loved my food, so much so in fact that I remember, the day after a big meal, telling myself off mentally for the food that I didn't get to eat due to being too full. Yes that's how much I loved food. Anyway, I also remember burning inside from the repressed urge being forced to wait until after prayer (a lengthly one if it was at church) before tucking in. Being grateful, was always in the way between me, and what I loved- food.
Similar situations have formed many kids turned adults relationships towards being grateful. We still operate on the understanding that gratitude is a courteous formality to get out the way, so you can get what you want.
Today however, I would like to shake up that theory. Gratitude is far more powerful. Gratitude is key to happiness and contentment, and similar to "it is more blessed to give than to receive" gratitude does a lot more good to the one who is grateful than it does the person receiving the thanks.
So take a look back at your life, ignore the wish list. With the fact that gratitude is for your own good, I want you to seriously start to put your heart into being grateful for every element of your life. Think about your family, think about your friends think of their smiles, think of every element that you love in life.
Puts you in a good place doesn't it? According to the secret law of attraction, a positive place is a far more powerful place to attract the things you want to you. In fact it has been proven by many people, the power of gratitude in evoking positive change in your life. It also helps maintain a winning mentality. When we just focus on what we don't have, and wish for what we do want, we put ourself in a losers mentality. You are a winner, you have already won, be it with your family, your personality or your friends, you win on a daily basis. Now isn't it natural that a winner can win some more? Gratitude builds you up- and it all starts from within.
So next time, before you rattle off a list of what you want, don't forget the crucial warm up. Be grateful, be happy.
It's my favourite scene in the movie Bridesmaids when Megan beats lead character Annie, screaming "I am life, I am gonna bite you in the ass, what are you gonna do about it? I am trying to get you to fight for your shitty little life". Annie of course, was in the middle of an epic pity party. Everything had fallen apart, her relationship (nothing makes the sky greyer than love trouble), her job (which she hated anyway, but still), her apartment ( where she lived with weirdo's but at least it was some shred of independence) and now she finds her self stuck at her mothers house jobless, whilst her friends appear to be living epic lives.
How many of us have felt this way? Well fine if the rest of you wont raise your precious little hands, but I know I have. That feeling when the sky is just falling down and you don't have the energy, or even know how to put it back up again. In those moments, its often easier to welcome defeat, put on a cloak of excuses and wait for the world to swallow you up or a miracle to happen. Now wound licking is cool for a few days - heck maybe a week... but it cannot last forever. In Megan's words "I am life, beating the crap out of you". This article is for anyone who has ever lost their footing...How to fight for your shitty little life.
1. Put away any childish expectations that life is straight forward.
Because its not. This is one reason why people feel so shit. When life kicks them in the ass, they are somehow surprised. Well stop that nonsense now. Life is a boxing match, be prepared to fight, be prepared to be knocked down - and be prepared to get back up and win. Once you adjust these expectations, you can stop judging, condemning & guilt tripping yourself for experiencing one of the most common events in life: set backs. Now the reason I put those emotions in italics just there is because they are useless feelings to snap out of. They end up in self pity. You have suffered a set back? So what. So have lots of people. This is life, and beating yourself up is not going to solve anything. In fact, now is the time to get up and start learning from your mistakes. Like a boxer- it is time to retrain for the next show down.
2. Put on your blinkers
So I have started on this boxing analogy, and what the heck- I like it so I will continue. So there you are. Just suffered a defeating match, and you are retraining to win. First of all- congratulations for getting back up. Now you are up there is one thing you cannot afford to do and that is pay attention, mind and energy to your competition. No, you are not fighting their fight, you are fighting your fight. You have to work on YOU. So pay no mind to Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and all the accounts of everyone who appears to be doing better than you. You need to focus, this is strategy time.
3. Strategy Time.
So now that you are in strategy mode, take an honest, non judgemental look at what went wrong last time. Now in the Bridesmaid film, she lost her job. But she hated her job anyway. Chances were that if she had not of got fired she would have left. Important life note: There is no point getting up if you are going to remake the same mistakes. Learn from them. In the film, the reason why she worked at that job she hated was because she tried her passion (it was having her own bakery) and it hadn't worked out. As a result she was stuck in a rut due to fear of failure. Now let me tell you something for free, fear of failure is the kryptonite of success. Like I said in the boxing analogy- expect to fail until you win. Stop letting it be a surprise. Once it is no longer a surprise it is no longer something that can frighten you. Admit what your dream is and start to strategise towards it. I don't care how small or big the steps to getting what you truly want out of life are. Just plan, draw the path to your dream and execute. Picture the glory end goal that dream is your motivation.
4. Winning Mentality
I have said this in previous post but I will say it again. You can have anything you want in life if you only have the courage to admit to yourself what it is. I don't care how crazy amazing it is. Admit it, and visualise it. Let this form your winners mindset. You have a goal and expect to win. So, every step you take on your planned path to your dream, take that step like a winner. Jump right in.
I was watching a video by motivational speaker Eric Thomas (click link to watch) and he was saying , I am paraphrasing" you deserve to see what your life is like if you put in 120%...All this time you have been putting in 70%, 80% and you have been seeing - 70%, 80% rewards. It is time for you to experience the benefits of life at 120%. Now there is a reason that I asked you to admit what you really want and set an end goal. And that is because, you can only put in 120% consistently if you know you are doing it for YOU. It is important that you have what you will get out of this in mind as it will keep you going through the hard times.
5. Ignore Nay sayers & stick to the plan.
Back to the boxer analogy. So you are back in the gym, back on the training plan. Eating like a pro. Now a lot of your friends will not be doing life the same way as you, a few people may have some things to say about what your doing, ignore them. They are on a different plan. Here is another rule. If you want extraordinary rewards, expect an extraordinary path. Your path wont be like theirs because your goal isn't the same. Your goal is yours. I would actually go as far to say keep your plan to yourself, and share it only with other like minded and truly supportive people. It is precious, like a small plant it needs positive energy to grow. Do not doubt your path because its off course compared to others. For example, say your dream was to become an athlete. That does not pay out initially. So you may have to get a part time job to fund your dream. Whilst your other friends are in 9-5's you may feel like a looser, because on paper it looks like you haven't got things together. I say ignore the paper. This is why you need to stay focussed. The only person who needs to believe in the plan is you. Do not get trapped by labels. Do not give up your dream so you can rattle off some semi impressive job title- that you know others would love but you personally will hate. Live for you, answer to yourself... You only get one life.
I hope this post has helped someone who has felt like giving up, or has ever doubted their dream. Writing this has even helped me. In closing let me say this: never forget that life is a match. A violent match. Expect setbacks, but also expect the glory. And when you reach your goal, you may have to defend your title. So always keep in peak condition, and always keep improving. It is not over till its over. Never stop investing in you.
You can do it. Happy Monday.
Life by Lois
x
And here it is the scene that started this, enjoy!
