Life Hack : Overcoming Fear

If you're naturally an anxious person, there is no doubt that you have been told by well meaning peppy friends that the best way to overcome fear is to just "feel the fear and go for it" you know, do it anyway. This sounds great in principle, like an inspirational quote that should be written on a poster with panther, however in practice it's not so easy to silence your fears and positively push on.

My anxious friends, I feel you- there is certainly a scale of anxiety, and for those of you who are most severe, I strongly suggest seeking medical help, as severe anxiety is no joke, but for those moderates, I have come across a tactic that just might help you muster the courage and go for it.

The premise of this trick is inspired by Eckhart Tolle's, The Power of Now (a great book, must read). The central premise is, you are not your mind. Meaning there is a you that is infinitely powerful, and there is your mind. Your mind is full of worry, pain of past hurt and fear, it is the voice by which you evaluate situations. Eckhart encourages you to silence your mind and learn that sometimes it can be your biggest enemy.

Now it is difficult to silence your mind, some say its impossible, however after some consideration I decided that there is indeed some merit to separating your self (you at your best, who you were meant to be) from your weak, fretting mind. I decided to try something. To separate the thinking negative into one person in my mind (weakness) and develop another voice of strength. The voice of strength is focussed on what I want in life, and fed by my visualisations of a better life. The voice of weakness is that inevitable fearful voice, that gets in the way and usually psyches me out of doing what I need to do. Now that I had separated the two, negative thoughts could not run riot without being consciously checked. This is so important, as anyone with anxiety will know that left unchecked, one fearful thought will grow to a deafening riot. See your negative thoughts as bullies, bullies that given half the chance will have you living in fear, and never realising the life you were meant for. See your positive thoughts as your best friend, sticking up for you against the bullies and reminding you of why you're here, and that you can do it, pit the two against each other, and mindful of what you want out of life, ensure your best you wins!

I find this really helps me in situations where I feel fear getting the best of me and I hope it helps you too. I guess sometimes spilt personalities can be a good thing ;)

Inner Space: Positive Thinking Class 1

I have recently determined myself to embark on a positive thinking journey, because I have realised that it is so important to not let life just happen. Just letting things happen= becoming a victim of life, and as powerful beings and intelligent creations, none of us should play that role, especially not in our own life! I have chosen to own the power I have to consciously steer my mind and my life upwards, so I have begun a mission of enlightenment and I invite you to join as I share my experiences and what I learn.

Inner Space Covent Garden: Positive Thinking Course, Week 1 Review

Yesterday Anna & I proactively headed to Covent Garden to listen in on a positive thinking talk run by InnerSpace. Their classes are free & run by volunteers, who are passionate about creating a happier, fulfilled planet. You can check their classes here : http://www.innerspace.org.uk/event_category/courses-in-covent-garden/

I really enjoyed the class, and learned some worthwhile principals I simply must share:

The Garden.

Thoughts are seeds.

A good thought = good fruit
A bad thought= bad fruit.

A bad seed will not reap good positive fruits in your life and will lead to a negative mind.

Your mind is your garden. This makes you the gardener. 

It is important to realise and own the fact that YOU are in charge of your mind, your thoughts, emotions and how you feel. No one can make you plant a seed, ie you do not have to let someone else's negativity grow in your garden.

The Fence=  is your filter

Your mind is precious, and must be protected. Don't just let people chuck litter in your garden and then accept it. For example, someone can be negative to you, but it is up to you whether or not you choose to let that seed grow in your garden, or weed it out. It is up to you to tend to your mind. If you want a positive mindset and a positive mind you will have to work for it.

Analysing thoughts, ie. the seeds:

It is important to recognise the importance of your thoughts. Whether you believe in the law of attraction or spirituality, all agree that everything starts with a thought. The Law Of Attraction goes as far to say that "thoughts become things". Meaning negativity reaps negativity & positivity reaps positivity whilst spiritualists believe that thoughts become your mindset and can lead to a positive, healthy mind, or a negative unhealthy mind. In any case, it is important you evaluate your thoughts constantly.

Yesterday I learned that there are 4 kinds of thoughts.

Negative: things like envy, anger, hate, worry and jealousy
Positive: love, appreciation, gratefulness and happiness
Waste: non productive thoughts, mind wandering, planning things you don't need to worry about
Necessary: the thoughts you need to function.

The aim is to be mindful of what kind of thought you are having before you continue wandering down a path. It is also important to know that sometimes a good thought can lead to a bad one if you are not mindful of your thoughts.

For example:

"Wow she has beautiful hair" (appreciation) can become "I wish I had her hair" ( envy) "My hair sucks"- (self hate and not helpful)

I reasoned that a good practise is to measure each thought against gratefulness, as gratefulness is the root of happiness and the magic of the law of attraction. A negative thought is in essence ungrateful. In this state, good things do not happen.

Take Away Nugget

I have learnt that firstly it is crucially important that I acknowledge that I am in control of my emotions, my thoughts and my mood. This is how I can learn to be effect life instead of have it affect me. This means that I have power over my life, and you have power over yours. Powerlessness is a lie. Every time you take on someones negativity and let that seed grow, you are giving away your power and selling yourself short. So this week I want to challenge you with the same task they gave me :

Approach every circumstance and every thought  this week using SOS.

S= Stand Back
O= Observe
S= Steer

Stand back, away from the emotions of the moment, or craziness,
Observe the thoughts you are having where they are going, how they are shifting your mood.
Steer your mind into a more positive place, remembering that you are in control over YOUR life and YOUR mind.

I am going back to the class next Tuesday & look forward to sharing more. Anyone I can bring along with me on the journey to positivity I will :)

Have a fantastically powerful week.

Top 3 Monday Motivation Video's

How you doing this rainy Monday?  In case you need a little more than coffee to give you that fighting kick start this week, I have decided to share 3 of my favourite motivational videos to get you off to a good start this week.

The believe that the key to a positive and successful life is to monitor your emotions and stay in control of your mindset. If you are feeling crappy and down, that's totally ok, but you must catch it, and seek to fix it. When I feel "meh" I have to be so careful, because it doesn't take long for negativity to take a hold and change the course of the day. To steer myself in an upwards direction I find it helps to inject my mind with some positive affirmation, some go getter motivation and all around hearty food for your soul.  Today's feel good cooks featuring in my soul kitchen are Will Smith, Eric Thomas, JK Rolling, Oprah and Michelle Obama.

Chin up my lovelies, it's totally ok not to feel perky all the time, but the right words can change your outlook on life and it all gets better from there. Hope these helped, they certainly helped me.

Love, 

Life by Lois

1. Inspiration for Women

2. Dream

3. Will Smith Life Motivation 

The Bank of You: How to build inner confidence.

So how does one get as confident as hair flipping Beyonce, or as powerful as billionaire Oprah or as strong as Jennifer Anniston? (Who I think is one of the most commendable and classy women on the planet, who despite how the media tears into her, still keeps her head high).

How does one manage to build that unshakable confidence? Well for one, confidence is never unshakable, there will always come moments that have you questioning yourself- the difference with these people (and now with you) is that they will not last long- because they have a system and a mindset for managing their internal well being.

All the powerful women I admire Beyonce, Oprah and Victoria Beckham (yes, her, she went from a one of the spice girls and a footballers wife to an independent business powerhouse, recognised in her own right), all these woman have one thing in common- they see themselves as bigger than just a person- they treat themselves like a corporation.

The way our society is set up is that people are the little men and corporations call the shots. The banks and even the company you work for, has their contracts and agreements sewn up with you so that they are on the winning side. My point is it is time for individuals to start thinking the same.

This is where I introduce my concept of a bank. The Bank Of YOU.

Picture your self as a bank. Banks operate in their own interest. Here is how it works.

Basic principals:

Your Balance or capital:

Your balance is the most important thing and is made up of your time, energy and good feelings.
Any time you invest any of the above in someone else, you are investing for a return, of either time energy or good feelings.

Deposits:

Deposits are something anyone, including you can make. If you meet someone and they invest in you constantly, it may be worth opening an account with that person, where you too invest in them, under the understanding of mutual gain.

As banks invest their capital for their own benefit, so should you

Spend some time and energy investing in yourself, to generate good feelings. Feelings of confidence, feelings of self worth- which can be built up via meditation, time alone or gaining further skills. This will build up your balance further, and make you better prepared for rainy days. If you do not invest in yourself, ultimately your bank will not be viable.

Managing relationships.

Withdrawals: Withdrawals are things that people in your life may do, within the privilege of having a relationship with you. A withdrawal is any thing that consumes your time, energy or good feelings. You allow your friends to make these withdrawals, under the condition that they invest the same or more overall. For example, you may let your friend tell you all about their problems, and you may invest your energy in helping. However if it comes to the point where they withdraw far more than they have ever invested, the relationship makes no business sense and it is time to close their account. This is how you monitor your balance and ensure you do not crash. You cannot have emotional free-loaders.

Your friendships and relationships should work like a savings account, in which you invest a certain amount or your time, energy and good feelings over a length of time, and the friend or partner invests theirs. If someone is just gathering interest, and always withdrawing you need to move on from them.

Looking after the pennies

Far to often we hold on to the experiences that are negative on our emotional bank balance (being hurt or making mistakes) and we do not hold on to the good things that can boost our balance. They may just be little things, like someone saying your beautiful, talented funny or doing extra well at work one day, but they matter. And you need to be sure that you invest these good things to increase your balance and refer to whenever you are in self doubt.

Monitoring your balance

If you are particularly low in time, energy or good feelings- then do not invest them in others. Take time to rebuild your balance, so that you do not find yourself emotionally bankrupt. Keep your cup full so that negative things just slide off you, or so that you are emotionally prepared to deal with anything at all times.

Why is this principal so important?

The bank principal, enables you to keep in control of your emotional wellbeing, and ultimately builds confidence. It also helps you to keep a tab on who in your life is taking but not giving. This means that you will not be taken for granted as much, and find yourself emotionally bankrupt when you need to strong. By using this method of reasoning you will always ensure you have a minimum balance of what you need to continue. So as life happens you can always be ready. No one can take you down. You have invested in the bank of you.

One does not become confident by accident. It is a choice and it starts with conscientiously managing your relationships, your time and your energy. It is time to be the boss of your own life and steer your future to more happiness, fulfilment and inner peace.

You can do it! If you have any questions you would like me to answer, then please email me. info@lifebylois.com

Life By Lois

#TBT: Revive your inner child

I used to find all the talk of following dreams a little bit frustrating, chiefly because whilst others seemed to immediately know exactly what they wanted to be, for me it was not always so clear. I suppose a gap year would have been useful to ‘figure things out’ or ‘find myself’ but unfortunately life needed immediate attending to, and so I shelved self discovery in favour of self survival.

It was not until recently that I decided to take a retrospective look inward. I realised that in order to go forward I needed to travel back and consult someone that I had hushed, silenced and abused... my inner child. 

The voice of my inner child was weak, but it was still there. It was her who had always known what I wanted and what kind of person I should be, but very early on I had silenced her voice. Every time I embraced reality and neglected my hopes, or accepted other peoples negativity as truth over my own, I had hushed that voice that could ultimately free me.

I recently read this story and it inspired me. Meet Cory Neives, the 10 year old CEO of Mr Cory's Cookies, a business he initially started to help fund his mum buy a car, and now is very successful. How amazing is that? Forget the odds, this kid gets it. I am so glad he got to stretch his dreams before the world told him they weren't practical.

Your inner child is so important, because it is you before the worlds reality kicked in (and the worlds reality is BS). It is you at your most optimistic, your bravest and your most creative. Ask children who they want to be now, and then ask them in 20 years who they are and for the majority of them it wont match up. Usually this is not because what they wanted has changed, rather it is because they took an easier path, gave up or gave in to circumstances. Yet if Oprah can go from dirt poor, black and born in the wrong era to be a woman, to a billionaire major influencer, anything is possible. Reality has it’s place, but so does dreaming. It is all about persistence.

If you have neglected your inner child, it is time to apologise to yourself and slowly embark on the road to self restoration. Life is all a matrix, in order to learn how to manipulate its structure, you must first understand your own.

Like I said before, you can have what ever you want if you can only find the strength to admit it to yourself. Give the kid inside a microphone.

Don't quit your day dream

It happens to the best and brightest of us, somewhere between graduation hopes and student loan reality, we settled down into a job that for a lot of us wasn't exactly what we pictured- but hey, it pays the bills.

Now I am not here to beat you up for paying the bills, even if it is in a job miles away from what your passion or dream was. What I am here to beat you up for is neglecting your day dream. There is nothing wrong with having a 9-5 or 5-9 that takes care of basics, the problem comes when the path that helps you survive not live  takes over your passion or your dreams.

Your 9-5 survival job should only be just that, for surviving. Do not place it above the time and thought and consideration you owe yourself & what you really want to do. Always keep that dream alive, it may be through a second job, a weekend project or even an online blog (like this one) but make sure you keep one foot in the dream.

Why? Because this is ultimately what will keep you going in the hard times, and motivate you to continue with the daily grind. You see in our society we all have it twisted.

We work so that we can survive. We give up our passions to save effort and focus on work. Our dreams then become replaced with material dreams and milestones, which we use to numb the fact that we gave up our true dreams and passions, and between 9-5 don't feel like we are living.  We buy things to make us feel like we are living the life, but really all these things do is temporarily fill a make shift hole that can only truly be fulfilled by living our purpose.

Don't get me wrong- there is nothing wrong with owning things, but this was never to be a substitute for owing your life. Do not get the symptoms of success (car, house, money) distract you from the cause of success (happiness, truly doing what you are good at). When you take care of your day dreams, the symptoms of success will follow in abundance AND you will be happy.

You were meant to be brilliant. Whatever your day dream was or is, re-ignite it. Dust it off and work on it. And it will grow. I promise you that. I know at first it will feel like a lot of work to maintain alongside the daily grind, but what you are really doing is keeping yourself alive.

The worst thing in life is the regret of paths not taken. Don't loose your dream building someone else's.

Monday Survival: Stop Judging Yourself.

If you are not quite where you want to be in life Sunday night and the Monday commute can be real moments of reckoning. As you prepare to jump back it to your routine it is so easy to get stressed out about your short comings, unfinished projects and all the things that you feel you should be doing, that you are not. The frustration between where you are and where you want to be can be so aggravating, that you actually internalise that nervous energy and start to beat yourself up with stress.

Whilst reflective honest review is good, you also have to be careful that this does not mean that you are beating up the one thing that you rely on to progress (you). Wherever you are in life, give yourself a break- you are trying your best. And if you haven't been trying your best, forgive yourself, and rest in the knowledge that this week you can change it all around.

This Monday I would like you to go easy on yourself. Give your self a pat on the back for all the things you are doing right. Are there things you would like to change? Sure, and we will get to how to set about these later in the week, but for today, give your self some credit. You survived Monday.

You awesome fighter you.

Life by Lois.

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The Power of Gratitude

In the spirit of Thanksgiving season I thought I would write a post on the power of gratitude.

In our pressured lives, full of grinding & hustle, I am sure all of us have a wish list. A bulk of things we hope for, that we just know we will be grateful for once we receive it. That's the thing about gratitude, it's all too often attached to conditions in the future or slapped on lazilly once we are guiltily reminded that we have more food and shelter than most. 

In fact being grateful or giving thanks is something essentially considered as an added courtesy or nothing more than good manners- rather than a way of life or something we do for our own good.

I think this stems from childhood, my earliest memories of gratitude all take place in this reoccurring event. 

As a kid I loved my food, so much so in fact that I remember, the day after a big meal, telling myself off mentally for the food that I didn't get to eat due to being too full. Yes that's how much I loved food. Anyway, I also remember burning inside from the repressed urge being forced to wait until after prayer (a lengthly one if it was at church)  before tucking in.  Being grateful, was always in the way between me, and what I loved- food.

Similar situations have formed many kids turned adults relationships towards being grateful. We still operate on the understanding that gratitude is a courteous formality to get out the way, so you can get what you want. 

Today however, I would like to shake up that theory. Gratitude is far more powerful. Gratitude is key to happiness and contentment, and similar to "it is more blessed to give than to receive" gratitude does a lot more good to the one who is grateful than it does the person receiving the thanks.

So take a look back at your life, ignore the wish list. With the fact that gratitude is for your own good, I want you to seriously start to put your heart into being grateful for every element of your life. Think about your family, think about your friends think of their smiles, think of every element that you love in life.

Puts you in a good place doesn't it? According to the secret law of attraction,  a positive place is a far more powerful place to attract the things you want to you. In fact it has been proven by many people, the power of gratitude in evoking positive change in your life. It also helps maintain a winning mentality. When we just focus on what we don't have, and wish for what we do want, we put ourself in a losers mentality. You are a winner, you have already won, be it with your family, your personality or your friends, you win on a daily basis. Now isn't it natural that a winner can win some more? Gratitude builds you up- and it all starts from within. 

So next time, before you rattle off a list of what you want, don't forget the crucial warm up. Be grateful, be happy. 

Life by Lois

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Monday Motivation : 5 ways to "fight for your sh*tty little life"

It's my favourite scene in the movie Bridesmaids when Megan beats lead character Annie, screaming "I am life, I am gonna bite you in the ass, what are you gonna do about it? I am trying to get you to fight for your shitty little life". Annie of course, was in the middle of an epic pity party. Everything had fallen apart, her relationship (nothing makes the sky greyer than love trouble), her job (which she hated anyway, but still), her apartment ( where she lived with weirdo's but at least it was some shred of independence) and now she finds her self stuck at her mothers house jobless, whilst her friends appear to be living epic lives.

How many of us have felt this way? Well fine if the rest of you wont raise your precious little hands, but I know I have. That feeling when the sky is just falling down and you don't have the energy, or even know how to put it back up again. In those moments, its often easier to welcome defeat, put on a cloak of excuses and wait for the world to swallow you up or a miracle to happen. Now wound licking is cool for a few days - heck maybe a week... but it cannot last forever. In Megan's words "I am life, beating the crap out of you". This article is for anyone who has ever lost their footing...How to fight for your shitty little life.

1. Put away any childish expectations that life is straight forward.

Because its not. This is one reason why people feel so shit. When life kicks them in the ass, they are somehow surprised. Well stop that nonsense now. Life is a boxing match, be prepared to fight, be prepared to be knocked down - and be prepared to get back up and win. Once you adjust these expectations, you can stop judging, condemning & guilt tripping yourself for experiencing one of the most common events in life: set backs. Now the reason I put those emotions in italics just there is because they are useless feelings to snap out of. They end up in self pity. You have suffered a set back? So what. So have lots of people. This is life, and beating yourself up is not going to solve anything. In fact, now is the time to get up and start learning from your mistakes. Like a boxer- it is time to retrain for the next show down.

2. Put on your blinkers

So I have started on this boxing analogy, and what the heck- I like it so I will continue. So there you are. Just suffered a defeating match, and you are retraining to win. First of all- congratulations for getting back up. Now you are up there is one thing you cannot afford to do and that is pay attention, mind and energy to your competition. No, you are not fighting their fight, you are fighting your fight. You have to work on YOU. So pay no mind to Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and all the accounts of everyone who appears to be doing better than you. You need to focus, this is strategy time.

3. Strategy Time.

So now that you are in strategy mode, take an honest, non judgemental look at what went wrong last time. Now in the Bridesmaid film, she lost her job. But she hated her job anyway. Chances were that if she had not of got fired she would have left. Important life note: There is no point getting up if you are going to remake the same mistakes. Learn from them. In the film, the reason why she worked at that job she hated was because she tried her passion (it was having her own bakery) and it hadn't worked out. As a result she was stuck in a rut due to fear of failure. Now let me tell you something for free, fear of failure is the kryptonite of success. Like I said in the boxing analogy- expect to fail until you win. Stop letting it be a surprise. Once it is no longer a surprise it is no longer something that can frighten you. Admit what your dream is and start to strategise towards it. I don't care how small or big the steps to getting what you truly want out of life are. Just plan, draw the path to your dream and execute. Picture the glory end goal that dream is your motivation.

4. Winning Mentality

I have said this in previous post but I will say it again. You can have anything you want in life if you only have the courage to admit to yourself what it is. I don't care how crazy amazing it is. Admit it, and visualise it. Let this form your winners mindset. You have a goal and expect to win. So, every step you take on your planned path to your dream, take that step like a winner. Jump right in. 

I was watching a video by motivational speaker Eric Thomas (click link to watch) and he was saying , I am paraphrasing" you deserve to see what your life is like if you put in 120%...All this time you have been putting in 70%, 80% and you have been seeing - 70%, 80% rewards. It is time for you to experience the benefits of life at 120%. Now there is a reason that I asked you to admit what you really want and set an end goal. And that is because, you can only put in 120% consistently if you know you are doing it for YOU.  It is important that you have what you will get out of this in mind as it will keep you going through the hard times. 

5. Ignore Nay sayers & stick to the plan.

Back to the boxer analogy. So you are back in the gym, back on the training plan. Eating like a pro. Now a lot of your friends will not be doing life the same way as you, a few people may have some things to say about what your doing, ignore them. They are on a different plan. Here is another rule. If you want extraordinary rewards, expect an extraordinary path. Your path wont be like theirs because your goal isn't the same. Your goal is yours. I would actually go as far to say keep your plan to yourself, and share it only with other like minded and truly supportive people. It is precious, like a small plant it needs positive energy to grow. Do not doubt your path because its off course compared to others. For example, say your dream was to become an athlete. That does not pay out initially. So you may have to get a part time job to fund your dream. Whilst your other friends are in 9-5's you may feel like a looser, because on paper it looks like you haven't got things together. I say ignore the paper. This is why you need to stay focussed. The only person who needs to believe in the plan is you. Do not get trapped by labels. Do not give up your dream so you can rattle off some semi impressive job title- that you know others would love but you personally will hate. Live for you, answer to yourself... You only get one life.

I hope this post has helped someone who has felt like giving up, or has ever doubted their dream. Writing this has even helped me. In closing let me say this:  never forget that life is a match. A violent match. Expect setbacks, but also expect the glory. And when you reach your goal, you may have to defend your title. So always keep in peak condition, and always keep improving. It is not over till its over. Never stop investing in you. 

You can do it. Happy Monday.

Life by Lois 

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And here it is the scene that started this, enjoy!