Here is a piece co-written by my and the Interracial Matchmakers. Enjoy.
To set the scene - there you are/ were, crying into you morning muffin....finding it difficult to see past the seemingly eternal emotional cloud you are under. That's the funny thing about love pain, it follows you everywhere, keeping you under no matter what the weather, However, take comfort in the fact we are here to guide you through the storm- and it wont last forever.
I live by the philosophy that storms are easier to weather when forecasted...Similarly, it's important to know what to expect after a break up, the stages can be related to the 5 stages of grief or loss. Before you review these, there are two questions to address:
"Have you actually gotten over your break-up?"
"Do you actually want to get over your break-up?"
If you want to get over it read on, if you want them back... stay tuned.
If you want to get over it read on, if you want them back... stay tuned.
So the 5 Stages of mourning the loss of a relationship mirror those of grief itself and are as follows:
Stage 1 - Denial
This is the stage where you experience a type of disbelief, a wrestling with reality and dazed confusion or shock. You really don't want to believe the painful reality; you may even be tempted to contact your ex. Best to resist. If needs be, get a friend to watch over your phone on a night out or a girly session in. Needy texts immediately after a break up do not look good. Give it room to breathe...give yourself room to think.
Stage 2 - Anger
Here emotions may flair, you may be angry at yourself or your ex. You may take it out on yourself, them or those around you. This is a difficult one, because lashing out at your supports may be a regrettable side effect. So if you catch yourself saying something you will regret to your friends family and loved ones, apply the stop drop and roll method to cool it down. Stop... talking, seriously even if you are mid rant. If you realise you are being unreasonable and lashing out just stop. Drop... drop your tone and apologise, say its a hard time for you, etc...And roll.. roll on out of there and get some air & time to think. Alone time can help you come to terms with it all.
Negotiation and blame feature here, you may still be tempted to contact your ex. to negotiate a restoration of your relationship, even reaching out to his/her extended networks and involving mutual friends. DO NOT DO this, your not ready. I argue no ones ready- after a break up space is key...even if you do ultimately want them back give it space and alow for healing.
Stage 4 - Depression
This stage is a stage of regrettable sadness, you'll need plenty of reassurance and hugs from friends, as with all these stages. I say tough it through....its inevitable. Just take courage knowing it wont last forever. Keep your self busy by working out & working on yourself. Take classes. DO NOT wallow. Do not over eat. Don't buy into the American solution of ice cream after a break up, heart broken and putting on weight is not going to make you feel better.
Although not entering as a grand finale, this stage is the gradual and calm acceptance that allows you to move on. It can become the beginning of a brighter future. You are single and there are a world of other singles...with us here to navigate you to the best ones. Take heart - the horizon looks beautiful.
Once you go through these stages, you are through the worst of the storm.
Next up.... what to do if you don't want to be over it/ want them back. Stay tuned!
