The secret to being happy in 2016

This New Year's Day  I find myself on the Beach in Barbados, allowing the sound of the soft waves gently sooth my mind, each wave allowing for some much needed mental repair. Every Londoner knows that by the time January rolls around even with the rejuvenation of the holidays - London has a way of ruthlessly transforming the positive new resolute you to the familiar grouchy city dweller, no doubt shoving tourists our the way by mid Jan.

Luckily for me, angry Londoner Lois is on pause and my holiday tranquility has been extended, here in paradise. 

Barbados is a beautiful country vibrant people. Although the population isn't rich, they are extremely content. This is initially an odd thing for the hustling Londoner that I am to understand. Initially I suspected it's due to living in paradise- after all , if i lived here- I would be happy too... Right?! However one encounter had me questioning that. I soon realised that happiness isn't where you are but who you are.  

His name was Andrew, around 6 ft, rich cocoa completion, with a white peppered beard and  slim build he called to us as we were walking by and then we sat to chat- buying him a beer in exchange for some good conversation, we learned that he made and sold his own jewellery, had 3 adult daughters and had lived in Barbados his whole life- never leaving the island, about this he said, I live in paradise. For me, this is it, why would I ever leave? I meet the worlds most interesting people here, I have the sun, the sea, my family  it is all I need." His list of what made him happy was so short- so simple. It was a list that many of us already have. Many Americans live in idyllic beach side paradise too, yet seen to remain defiantly unhappy and the furthest thing from content. Considering this I deducted that the key to this mans happiness is that he had learned the art of being grateful for the basics of what he had. His gratitude was not contingent on things he wanted more than what he had, and so neither was his happiness. If you put your gratitude on hold until you have more, you are actually putting your happiness and life on hold. 

To unlock the happiness in your life look closely at the simple things you already have and often overlook- like family, friends, Shelter - then take time every morning this year to be truly grateful.

Write out what they are , recite why you are grateful for them. Before you know it happiness won't be an 8 hour flight away- it will be with you always. 

Happy New Year X I hope this keeps you on a positive path. Please share with friends and family ! 

Life by Lois 

You Can Have Him, But Do You Really Want Him?

Girl meets boy. Boy starts flirting with girl. Girl likes boy. Girl finds out that boy has a girlfriend. Girl is like WTF?

Sadly, its a tale as old as time scenario which I am sure we have all experienced, witnessed or advised on. You meet a guy who seems perfect, and what is even more perfect is he definitely likes you. Everything is going swimmingly until someone else, in some cases him, drops the bomb that he has a girlfriend. What is even weirder? His flirty behaviour and longing looks don't stop now the jig is up. If anything, they get stronger. Here you find yourself in a weird WTF twilight zone. 

I have witnessed so many friends go though this. Nice girls. Who have sat back so many times before and watched a ballsier girl get the guy, or had a ballsier girl in the same situation, steal theirs. After a while of nice girls finishing last, a few have asked me should they just mean up and take him. I mean, he obviously isn't happy, in many cases he may have even told them so. Maybe he just needs a helping hand. You are clearly what he wants and for once in your life its time you won something right? Wrong. He aint no prize honey.

Why? In this situation the ball is entirely in his court. Whilst I understand how he could meet someone else (you) he likes more than his current (shit happens) it is totally not OK to just pine emotionally for someone else (you) for too long without any action to rectify his home situation and move on. Men like this are weak. They do no favours to you, or his current girlfriend.

I mean, who the hell does he think he is? Has he even told his girlfriend that he is having second thoughts in the relationship, giving her a chance or a heads up? Or does he just think he is some kind of irresistible pimp that both you must want? I bet that if his girlfriend knew he wasn't 100% in, she could start winking back at a few men in her life too. But he is not giving her that benefit is he? No, because he likes holding all the cards. You're blind, she's blind, he's a pimp.

Personally, one of the worst things in the world for me is to be with a man who secretly wants someone else but is too chicken to tell me. You having second thoughts bruh? I like to know these things because if you don't want to be here, I don't want to keep you here. This isn't jail, and I am not your parole officer. So many times guys build it up in their head like they are doing their girlfriend a favour by sticking with her when they would rather move on, but in reality that is just boosting their ego. 

Anyway back to you. You don't want to get in on this messy BS. Dip you toe in and you will surely drown.  He is the one who needs to recognise his feelings and act accordingly. Like a man. He should sort out his relationship first and if it is worth salvaging- do that. If it is dead, he needs to end it- and then come for you. Otherwise he is just weak- someone who gazes at what they want without the courage to go get it. And do you really want a guy like that? Only for you to have him and then in a few years he starts pining for your friends, whilst in his head you are second best? No honey. To someone else you will be first. 

My advice, do nothing. Keep being nice (he may be sorting things out in the background) but DO NOT get involved. A relationship takes a lot of unpacking and there is enough to sort out between the two of them without you. You will only become collateral damage if he does sort it out with his girlfriend and if he leaves her due to your advances, you end up with a booby prize- a weak man, who can't act on what he wants.

That's my take on it anyway. Hope it was helpful :)

Any questions? Email me at info@lifebylois.com

Love,

Lois

Life By Lois

The Interracial Matchmakers: how to get over a break up

 

 

Here is a piece co-written by my and the Interracial Matchmakers. Enjoy.

 

To set the scene - there you are/ were, crying into you morning muffin....finding it difficult to see past the seemingly eternal emotional cloud you are under. That's the funny thing about love pain, it follows you everywhere, keeping you under no matter what the weather, However, take comfort in the fact we are here to guide you through the storm- and it wont last forever.

I live by the philosophy that storms are easier to weather when forecasted...Similarly, it's important to know what to expect after a break up, the stages can be related to the 5 stages of grief or loss. Before you review these,  there are two questions to address:

"Have you actually gotten over your break-up?"

"Do you actually want to get over your break-up?"

If you want to get over it read on, if you want them back... stay tuned.

So the 5 Stages of mourning the loss of a relationship mirror those of grief itself and are as follows:

Stage 1 - Denial

This is the stage where you experience a type of disbelief, a wrestling with reality and dazed confusion or shock. You really don't want to believe the painful reality; you may even be tempted to contact your ex. Best to resist. If needs be, get a friend to watch over your phone on a night out or a girly session in. Needy texts immediately after a break up do not look good. Give it room to breathe...give yourself room to think.

Stage 2 - Anger

Here emotions may flair, you may be angry at yourself or your ex. You may take it out on yourself, them or those around you. This is a difficult one, because lashing out at your supports may be a regrettable side effect. So if you catch yourself saying something you will regret to your friends family and loved ones, apply the stop drop and roll method to cool it down. Stop... talking, seriously even if you are mid rant. If you realise you are being unreasonable and lashing out just stop. Drop... drop your tone and apologise, say its a hard time for you, etc...And roll.. roll on out of there and get some air & time to think. Alone time can help you come to terms with it all. 

Stage 3 - Bargaining

Negotiation and blame feature here, you may still be tempted to contact your ex. to negotiate a restoration of your relationship, even reaching out to his/her extended networks and involving mutual friends. DO NOT DO this, your not ready. I argue no ones ready- after a break up space is key...even if you do ultimately want them back give it space and alow for healing.

Stage 4 - Depression

This stage is a stage of regrettable sadness, you'll need plenty of reassurance and hugs from friends, as with all these stages. I say tough it through....its inevitable. Just take courage knowing it wont last forever. Keep your self busy by working out & working on yourself. Take classes. DO NOT wallow. Do not over eat. Don't buy into the American solution of ice cream after a break up, heart broken and putting on weight is not going to make you feel better.

Stage 5 - Acceptance

Although not entering as a grand finale, this stage is the gradual and calm acceptance that allows you to move on. It can become the beginning of a brighter future. You are single and there are a world of other singles...with us here to navigate you to the best ones. Take heart - the horizon looks beautiful.

Once you go through these stages, you are through the worst of the storm.

Next up.... what to do if you don't want to be over it/ want them back. Stay tuned!