You Can Have Him, But Do You Really Want Him?

Girl meets boy. Boy starts flirting with girl. Girl likes boy. Girl finds out that boy has a girlfriend. Girl is like WTF?

Sadly, its a tale as old as time scenario which I am sure we have all experienced, witnessed or advised on. You meet a guy who seems perfect, and what is even more perfect is he definitely likes you. Everything is going swimmingly until someone else, in some cases him, drops the bomb that he has a girlfriend. What is even weirder? His flirty behaviour and longing looks don't stop now the jig is up. If anything, they get stronger. Here you find yourself in a weird WTF twilight zone. 

I have witnessed so many friends go though this. Nice girls. Who have sat back so many times before and watched a ballsier girl get the guy, or had a ballsier girl in the same situation, steal theirs. After a while of nice girls finishing last, a few have asked me should they just mean up and take him. I mean, he obviously isn't happy, in many cases he may have even told them so. Maybe he just needs a helping hand. You are clearly what he wants and for once in your life its time you won something right? Wrong. He aint no prize honey.

Why? In this situation the ball is entirely in his court. Whilst I understand how he could meet someone else (you) he likes more than his current (shit happens) it is totally not OK to just pine emotionally for someone else (you) for too long without any action to rectify his home situation and move on. Men like this are weak. They do no favours to you, or his current girlfriend.

I mean, who the hell does he think he is? Has he even told his girlfriend that he is having second thoughts in the relationship, giving her a chance or a heads up? Or does he just think he is some kind of irresistible pimp that both you must want? I bet that if his girlfriend knew he wasn't 100% in, she could start winking back at a few men in her life too. But he is not giving her that benefit is he? No, because he likes holding all the cards. You're blind, she's blind, he's a pimp.

Personally, one of the worst things in the world for me is to be with a man who secretly wants someone else but is too chicken to tell me. You having second thoughts bruh? I like to know these things because if you don't want to be here, I don't want to keep you here. This isn't jail, and I am not your parole officer. So many times guys build it up in their head like they are doing their girlfriend a favour by sticking with her when they would rather move on, but in reality that is just boosting their ego. 

Anyway back to you. You don't want to get in on this messy BS. Dip you toe in and you will surely drown.  He is the one who needs to recognise his feelings and act accordingly. Like a man. He should sort out his relationship first and if it is worth salvaging- do that. If it is dead, he needs to end it- and then come for you. Otherwise he is just weak- someone who gazes at what they want without the courage to go get it. And do you really want a guy like that? Only for you to have him and then in a few years he starts pining for your friends, whilst in his head you are second best? No honey. To someone else you will be first. 

My advice, do nothing. Keep being nice (he may be sorting things out in the background) but DO NOT get involved. A relationship takes a lot of unpacking and there is enough to sort out between the two of them without you. You will only become collateral damage if he does sort it out with his girlfriend and if he leaves her due to your advances, you end up with a booby prize- a weak man, who can't act on what he wants.

That's my take on it anyway. Hope it was helpful :)

Any questions? Email me at info@lifebylois.com

Love,

Lois

Life By Lois

TGIF? The whole system is wrong.

Thank God it is Friday. Of all the days of the week Friday receives the most love. We may be considered a thankless secular nation yet Friday has us thanking God- because on Friday the freedom bells ring. Each week on the 5th day we band together with colleges and friends to celebrate the end of the week as if it is the end of a jail sentence. 

If that is exactly what it feels like to you,  I want you to ask yourself an honest question- does your living for the weekend equate to you living life JUST on the weekend? Have you signed away the other 5 days of your life in exchange for 2?

We live in a culture where it is totally acceptable to not love what you do. In fact that is putting it mildly, many people openly hate what they do. In society the things we love doing have been assigned the frilly word 'hobby', and should not be taken seriously. Work however, is a 'chore' and 'chores' should not be fun. 

When choosing a path in life, many of us navigate on the default assumption that happiness is an illegitimate factor for consideration. Perhaps this is because growing up, throughout religion and in school, we are taught that sacrifice is the holiest of deeds. We are taught that when it comes to work, sacrifice is required, and we all too readily sign away our happiness for 'practical' reasons. At some point in our 20's we killed our childish dreams, stopped stargazing and just kept our heads down. 

Well today I am challenging the status quo.

I say it is actually more harmful to society to sacrifice your happiness. As Marianne Williamson says, "Your playing small does not serve the world". Where would we be if The Wright Brothers had not pursued their passion of flight, or Beethoven of music or Einstein of science? Where would we be if Richard Branson had stayed in school?

It is a proven fact, you perform at your greatest potential when you do what you love, and the whole world (including you ) benefits too.When you love what you do you are more creative, more innovative and more successful. The sky really is the limit. 

You are an individual and you are unique. It is not OK to be a square peg in a round hole and just keep going on that way. Somewhere there is a square hole just for you. 

It is never too late to rethink things, Samuel Jackson only started acting in his 40s.

It is time to love Mondays. It is time to do the world and yourself a favour. It is time to be happy.

Choose a job you love, and never work a day in your life (Confucius)

Life By Lois

Why You Should Stop Sharing (It's for your own good)

We live in a share happy culture. We share what is awesome about us and hide what isn't. We shout about our success and quietly cry about our failures. Whilst sharing is portrayed as liberating, in reality it is actually crippling due to the reverse side of the coin- the things a perfect image makes you hide.

Keeping up appearances is nothing new-portraying a perfect life, at odds with reality, is a game as old as time. Whether it is posing perfectly at church minutes after screaming at each other in the car or having an argument with your partner before smiling for a family photo- we have all been there. Whilst the game may be old, social media has upped the stakes. 

When appearances were maintained as a family, failures were handled in the family which allowed for some sort of support. However now, because we enthusiastically share every step on the path to success publicly, we have created a captive audience (many of whom we don't actually know or care too much about) who we 'report to'. On the flip side when things go wrong, even though we keep this to ourselves, the weight of the audiences judgement remains, resulting in us mourning our personal failures in pressured isolation.

This is what makes failure so terrifying. As I said in my last post, fear of failure is the kryptonite of success. Failures, setbacks, trials- they're all a part of life and are steps on the way to your goal. 

Being afraid of failure is what makes you so afraid of trying again, and that is what will keep you from success.

My remedy to society? 

1.Stop working so hard on your external image, and start working internally. 

2.Nurture your dreams like plants, grow them. When good news happens- bank it for yourself- it is yours not the worlds. 

3.Protect your dreams by keeping them to yourself in the formative stages- they are fragile. Tread each step on the path to success confidently and quietly.

By doing this, when you experience a setback, it will not be so powerful because you do not have to worry about your PR image. Figure it out for yourself. The world can wait.

It is time to take the power out of fear. The best way to do it is to ban the audience.

Love,

Lois

Life By Lois

6 things to stop apologising for. Now.

If you are anything like me, you fall into an apology before you have even noticed one stumbling out your mouth. Whilst I am a big fan of apologies when they are genuinely due, if you over apologise for things- it just makes you look weak, and the other person assume it is OK to treat you that way. So for all of you self deprecating sweet hearts, here are 6 times its totally ok to not be sorry.

1. Feeling like you are not in the right place despite it looking like a great path to others.

This one applies to work and relationships, and stems from caring what others think, to your detriment. If you find yourself in a relationship that just doesn't feel right for no other reason other than you know its not for you- or a job which would be perfect for millions of other people but it just doesn't feel right to you- stop apologising, and devaluing your feelings. I read a great quote off of an Instagram picture yesterday, it said " Your fear of looking stupid is holding you back". This is so true for so many people and is the main reason we apologise and look to others to validate our core feelings about life. But I say stop that right now. You are an individual and whilst taking girlfriends to the loo together for moral support is a childhood habit many of us still practice, needing to validate our core feelings past every friend, and then disregarding them if no one agrees needs to stop. Take your feelings seriously, it is your life.

2. Wanting your space.

This one is a common one. Your friends or even your partner wants to hang out and you just want your space, but you feel awful for it. Well I say don't. In this life what I am realising increasingly is that the only thing that can keep you going, is the strength you build up from within. So invest in yourself. Invest in thinking positively, being alone and getting to know yourself. Alone time and wanting your space is not anti social it is actually pro social because you can only be the best friend, girlfriend, sister, brother, boyfriend, husband or wife if you are the best you.  So take that time. And stop apologising.

3. Out growing people.

This is a toughie. You have a set of friends or a certain friend that you have known for a while, and as the time moves on you realise that you have outgrown them. It is awkward because you may feel bad but the more you hang out the things that used to seem ok to you just aren't anymore. Well in my opinion this is perfectly natural, we are all on a different path and it is inevitable that you will out grow some people- in fact it's healthy! Instead of trying to change them accept things have changed and move on before things get ugly. 

4. Not putting up with others mess.

Since we were kids we were told to be long suffering, that patience was a virtue. One look at your mother or grandmother probably reminds you of a lifetime of prayer & disappointment that putting up with others mess will bring. Now I come from the new school of life. That is you only get one life (that you know of) so stop martyring your self for others. Stop putting up with those who put you down, walk all over you and take but never give. Stop putting up with those who embarrass you in public. Some people will treat you badly, and then somehow get mad at you for calling it out. I say stop apologising and tell it like it is. Oh and if this is a reoccurring event, refer to point 3, you have out grown them.

5. Feeling demotivated.

Why should you not apologise for this one? Because it happens that's why. Rather than constantly apologise, I say look at the root of what is causing your demotivation. Is it energy related? If so go to the docs and check your hormone & vitamin levels. If it is work related- take a look at why you feel that way. Is this really what you want to do? It is never too late to reevaluate your life.

6. Not having it all figured out.

It is ok not to have an answer for everything in life, be it religion, work, relationships. Life is a journey and if you keep positive and open to it, you can make some wonderful discoveries. The most important thing is that you stay honest about what you like and what you don't like, without fear- as these are the indicators to what will make you happy in life. For example, if you feel you should marry for love & money is not your main priority in life - don't settle for a rich man you don't love because others feel you should. Take your own priorities seriously and let them guide you to the right thing in life. Remember - you can have anything you want in life, if you only have the courage to admit it to yourself. So take time getting to know yourself, and admit what YOU want and need without fear. Then go get it. And don't worry if you don't have it all figured out on paper to show others. True growth happens from within and just because it is not yet externally visible does not mean it doesn't count.