If you're naturally an anxious person, there is no doubt that you have been told by well meaning peppy friends that the best way to overcome fear is to just "feel the fear and go for it" you know, do it anyway. This sounds great in principle, like an inspirational quote that should be written on a poster with panther, however in practice it's not so easy to silence your fears and positively push on.
My anxious friends, I feel you- there is certainly a scale of anxiety, and for those of you who are most severe, I strongly suggest seeking medical help, as severe anxiety is no joke, but for those moderates, I have come across a tactic that just might help you muster the courage and go for it.
The premise of this trick is inspired by Eckhart Tolle's, The Power of Now (a great book, must read). The central premise is, you are not your mind. Meaning there is a you that is infinitely powerful, and there is your mind. Your mind is full of worry, pain of past hurt and fear, it is the voice by which you evaluate situations. Eckhart encourages you to silence your mind and learn that sometimes it can be your biggest enemy.
Now it is difficult to silence your mind, some say its impossible, however after some consideration I decided that there is indeed some merit to separating your self (you at your best, who you were meant to be) from your weak, fretting mind. I decided to try something. To separate the thinking negative into one person in my mind (weakness) and develop another voice of strength. The voice of strength is focussed on what I want in life, and fed by my visualisations of a better life. The voice of weakness is that inevitable fearful voice, that gets in the way and usually psyches me out of doing what I need to do. Now that I had separated the two, negative thoughts could not run riot without being consciously checked. This is so important, as anyone with anxiety will know that left unchecked, one fearful thought will grow to a deafening riot. See your negative thoughts as bullies, bullies that given half the chance will have you living in fear, and never realising the life you were meant for. See your positive thoughts as your best friend, sticking up for you against the bullies and reminding you of why you're here, and that you can do it, pit the two against each other, and mindful of what you want out of life, ensure your best you wins!
I find this really helps me in situations where I feel fear getting the best of me and I hope it helps you too. I guess sometimes spilt personalities can be a good thing ;)
How you doing this rainy Monday? In case you need a little more than coffee to give you that fighting kick start this week, I have decided to share 3 of my favourite motivational videos to get you off to a good start this week.
The believe that the key to a positive and successful life is to monitor your emotions and stay in control of your mindset. If you are feeling crappy and down, that's totally ok, but you must catch it, and seek to fix it. When I feel "meh" I have to be so careful, because it doesn't take long for negativity to take a hold and change the course of the day. To steer myself in an upwards direction I find it helps to inject my mind with some positive affirmation, some go getter motivation and all around hearty food for your soul. Today's feel good cooks featuring in my soul kitchen are Will Smith, Eric Thomas, JK Rolling, Oprah and Michelle Obama.
Chin up my lovelies, it's totally ok not to feel perky all the time, but the right words can change your outlook on life and it all gets better from there. Hope these helped, they certainly helped me.
If you are not quite where you want to be in life Sunday night and the Monday commute can be real moments of reckoning. As you prepare to jump back it to your routine it is so easy to get stressed out about your short comings, unfinished projects and all the things that you feel you should be doing, that you are not. The frustration between where you are and where you want to be can be so aggravating, that you actually internalise that nervous energy and start to beat yourself up with stress.
Whilst reflective honest review is good, you also have to be careful that this does not mean that you are beating up the one thing that you rely on to progress (you). Wherever you are in life, give yourself a break- you are trying your best. And if you haven't been trying your best, forgive yourself, and rest in the knowledge that this week you can change it all around.
This Monday I would like you to go easy on yourself. Give your self a pat on the back for all the things you are doing right. Are there things you would like to change? Sure, and we will get to how to set about these later in the week, but for today, give your self some credit. You survived Monday.
In the spirit of Thanksgiving season I thought I would write a post on the power of gratitude.
In our pressured lives, full of grinding & hustle, I am sure all of us have a wish list. A bulk of things we hope for, that we just know we will be grateful for once we receive it. That's the thing about gratitude, it's all too often attached to conditions in the future or slapped on lazilly once we are guiltily reminded that we have more food and shelter than most.
In fact being grateful or giving thanks is something essentially considered as an added courtesy or nothing more than good manners- rather than a way of life or something we do for our own good.
I think this stems from childhood, my earliest memories of gratitude all take place in this reoccurring event.
As a kid I loved my food, so much so in fact that I remember, the day after a big meal, telling myself off mentally for the food that I didn't get to eat due to being too full. Yes that's how much I loved food. Anyway, I also remember burning inside from the repressed urge being forced to wait until after prayer (a lengthly one if it was at church) before tucking in. Being grateful, was always in the way between me, and what I loved- food.
Similar situations have formed many kids turned adults relationships towards being grateful. We still operate on the understanding that gratitude is a courteous formality to get out the way, so you can get what you want.
Today however, I would like to shake up that theory. Gratitude is far more powerful. Gratitude is key to happiness and contentment, and similar to "it is more blessed to give than to receive" gratitude does a lot more good to the one who is grateful than it does the person receiving the thanks.
So take a look back at your life, ignore the wish list. With the fact that gratitude is for your own good, I want you to seriously start to put your heart into being grateful for every element of your life. Think about your family, think about your friends think of their smiles, think of every element that you love in life.
Puts you in a good place doesn't it? According to the secret law of attraction, a positive place is a far more powerful place to attract the things you want to you. In fact it has been proven by many people, the power of gratitude in evoking positive change in your life. It also helps maintain a winning mentality. When we just focus on what we don't have, and wish for what we do want, we put ourself in a losers mentality. You are a winner, you have already won, be it with your family, your personality or your friends, you win on a daily basis. Now isn't it natural that a winner can win some more? Gratitude builds you up- and it all starts from within.
So next time, before you rattle off a list of what you want, don't forget the crucial warm up. Be grateful, be happy.
We live in a share happy culture. We share what is awesome about us and hide what isn't. We shout about our success and quietly cry about our failures. Whilst sharing is portrayed as liberating, in reality it is actually crippling due to the reverse side of the coin- the things a perfect image makes you hide.
Keeping up appearances is nothing new-portraying a perfect life, at odds with reality, is a game as old as time. Whether it is posing perfectly at church minutes after screaming at each other in the car or having an argument with your partner before smiling for a family photo- we have all been there. Whilst the game may be old, social media has upped the stakes.
When appearances were maintained as a family, failures were handled in the family which allowed for some sort of support. However now, because we enthusiastically share every step on the path to success publicly, we have created a captive audience (many of whom we don't actually know or care too much about) who we 'report to'. On the flip side when things go wrong, even though we keep this to ourselves, the weight of the audiences judgement remains, resulting in us mourning our personal failures in pressured isolation.
This is what makes failure so terrifying. As I said in my last post, fear of failure is the kryptonite of success. Failures, setbacks, trials- they're all a part of life and are steps on the way to your goal.
Being afraid of failure is what makes you so afraid of trying again, and that is what will keep you from success.
My remedy to society?
1.Stop working so hard on your external image, and start working internally.
2.Nurture your dreams like plants, grow them. When good news happens- bank it for yourself- it is yours not the worlds.
3.Protect your dreams by keeping them to yourself in the formative stages- they are fragile. Tread each step on the path to success confidently and quietly.
By doing this, when you experience a setback, it will not be so powerful because you do not have to worry about your PR image. Figure it out for yourself. The world can wait.
It is time to take the power out of fear. The best way to do it is to ban the audience.
It's my favourite scene in the movie Bridesmaids when Megan beats lead character Annie, screaming "I am life, I am gonna bite you in the ass, what are you gonna do about it? I am trying to get you to fight for your shitty little life". Annie of course, was in the middle of an epic pity party. Everything had fallen apart, her relationship (nothing makes the sky greyer than love trouble), her job (which she hated anyway, but still), her apartment ( where she lived with weirdo's but at least it was some shred of independence) and now she finds her self stuck at her mothers house jobless, whilst her friends appear to be living epic lives.
How many of us have felt this way? Well fine if the rest of you wont raise your precious little hands, but I know I have. That feeling when the sky is just falling down and you don't have the energy, or even know how to put it back up again. In those moments, its often easier to welcome defeat, put on a cloak of excuses and wait for the world to swallow you up or a miracle to happen. Now wound licking is cool for a few days - heck maybe a week... but it cannot last forever. In Megan's words "I am life, beating the crap out of you". This article is for anyone who has ever lost their footing...How to fight for your shitty little life.
1. Put away any childish expectations that life is straight forward.
Because its not. This is one reason why people feel so shit. When life kicks them in the ass, they are somehow surprised. Well stop that nonsense now. Life is a boxing match, be prepared to fight, be prepared to be knocked down - and be prepared to get back up and win. Once you adjust these expectations, you can stop judging, condemning & guilt tripping yourself for experiencing one of the most common events in life: set backs. Now the reason I put those emotions in italics just there is because they are useless feelings to snap out of. They end up in self pity. You have suffered a set back? So what. So have lots of people. This is life, and beating yourself up is not going to solve anything. In fact, now is the time to get up and start learning from your mistakes. Like a boxer- it is time to retrain for the next show down.
2. Put on your blinkers
So I have started on this boxing analogy, and what the heck- I like it so I will continue. So there you are. Just suffered a defeating match, and you are retraining to win. First of all- congratulations for getting back up. Now you are up there is one thing you cannot afford to do and that is pay attention, mind and energy to your competition. No, you are not fighting their fight, you are fighting your fight. You have to work on YOU. So pay no mind to Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and all the accounts of everyone who appears to be doing better than you. You need to focus, this is strategy time.
3. Strategy Time.
So now that you are in strategy mode, take an honest, non judgemental look at what went wrong last time. Now in the Bridesmaid film, she lost her job. But she hated her job anyway. Chances were that if she had not of got fired she would have left. Important life note: There is no point getting up if you are going to remake the same mistakes. Learn from them. In the film, the reason why she worked at that job she hated was because she tried her passion (it was having her own bakery) and it hadn't worked out. As a result she was stuck in a rut due to fear of failure. Now let me tell you something for free, fear of failure is the kryptonite of success. Like I said in the boxing analogy- expect to fail until you win. Stop letting it be a surprise. Once it is no longer a surprise it is no longer something that can frighten you. Admit what your dream is and start to strategise towards it. I don't care how small or big the steps to getting what you truly want out of life are. Just plan, draw the path to your dream and execute. Picture the glory end goal that dream is your motivation.
4. Winning Mentality
I have said this in previous post but I will say it again. You can have anything you want in life if you only have the courage to admit to yourself what it is. I don't care how crazy amazing it is. Admit it, and visualise it. Let this form your winners mindset. You have a goal and expect to win. So, every step you take on your planned path to your dream, take that step like a winner. Jump right in.
I was watching a video by motivational speaker Eric Thomas (click link to watch) and he was saying , I am paraphrasing" you deserve to see what your life is like if you put in 120%...All this time you have been putting in 70%, 80% and you have been seeing - 70%, 80% rewards. It is time for you to experience the benefits of life at 120%. Now there is a reason that I asked you to admit what you really want and set an end goal. And that is because, you can only put in 120% consistently if you know you are doing it for YOU. It is important that you have what you will get out of this in mind as it will keep you going through the hard times.
5. Ignore Nay sayers & stick to the plan.
Back to the boxer analogy. So you are back in the gym, back on the training plan. Eating like a pro. Now a lot of your friends will not be doing life the same way as you, a few people may have some things to say about what your doing, ignore them. They are on a different plan. Here is another rule. If you want extraordinary rewards, expect an extraordinary path. Your path wont be like theirs because your goal isn't the same. Your goal is yours. I would actually go as far to say keep your plan to yourself, and share it only with other like minded and truly supportive people. It is precious, like a small plant it needs positive energy to grow. Do not doubt your path because its off course compared to others. For example, say your dream was to become an athlete. That does not pay out initially. So you may have to get a part time job to fund your dream. Whilst your other friends are in 9-5's you may feel like a looser, because on paper it looks like you haven't got things together. I say ignore the paper. This is why you need to stay focussed. The only person who needs to believe in the plan is you. Do not get trapped by labels. Do not give up your dream so you can rattle off some semi impressive job title- that you know others would love but you personally will hate. Live for you, answer to yourself... You only get one life.
I hope this post has helped someone who has felt like giving up, or has ever doubted their dream. Writing this has even helped me. In closing let me say this: never forget that life is a match. A violent match. Expect setbacks, but also expect the glory. And when you reach your goal, you may have to defend your title. So always keep in peak condition, and always keep improving. It is not over till its over. Never stop investing in you.
You can do it. Happy Monday.
Life by Lois
x
And here it is the scene that started this, enjoy!
If you are anything like me, you fall into an apology before you have even noticed one stumbling out your mouth. Whilst I am a big fan of apologies when they are genuinely due, if you over apologise for things- it just makes you look weak, and the other person assume it is OK to treat you that way. So for all of you self deprecating sweet hearts, here are 6 times its totally ok to not be sorry.
1. Feeling like you are not in the right place despite it looking like a great path to others.
This one applies to work and relationships, and stems from caring what others think, to your detriment. If you find yourself in a relationship that just doesn't feel right for no other reason other than you know its not for you- or a job which would be perfect for millions of other people but it just doesn't feel right to you- stop apologising, and devaluing your feelings. I read a great quote off of an Instagram picture yesterday, it said " Your fear of looking stupid is holding you back". This is so true for so many people and is the main reason we apologise and look to others to validate our core feelings about life. But I say stop that right now. You are an individual and whilst taking girlfriends to the loo together for moral support is a childhood habit many of us still practice, needing to validate our core feelings past every friend, and then disregarding them if no one agrees needs to stop. Take your feelings seriously, it is your life.
2. Wanting your space.
This one is a common one. Your friends or even your partner wants to hang out and you just want your space, but you feel awful for it. Well I say don't. In this life what I am realising increasingly is that the only thing that can keep you going, is the strength you build up from within. So invest in yourself. Invest in thinking positively, being alone and getting to know yourself. Alone time and wanting your space is not anti social it is actually pro social because you can only be the best friend, girlfriend, sister, brother, boyfriend, husband or wife if you are the best you. So take that time. And stop apologising.
3. Out growing people.
This is a toughie. You have a set of friends or a certain friend that you have known for a while, and as the time moves on you realise that you have outgrown them. It is awkward because you may feel bad but the more you hang out the things that used to seem ok to you just aren't anymore. Well in my opinion this is perfectly natural, we are all on a different path and it is inevitable that you will out grow some people- in fact it's healthy! Instead of trying to change them accept things have changed and move on before things get ugly.
4. Not putting up with others mess.
Since we were kids we were told to be long suffering, that patience was a virtue. One look at your mother or grandmother probably reminds you of a lifetime of prayer & disappointment that putting up with others mess will bring. Now I come from the new school of life. That is you only get one life (that you know of) so stop martyring your self for others. Stop putting up with those who put you down, walk all over you and take but never give. Stop putting up with those who embarrass you in public. Some people will treat you badly, and then somehow get mad at you for calling it out. I say stop apologising and tell it like it is. Oh and if this is a reoccurring event, refer to point 3, you have out grown them.
5. Feeling demotivated.
Why should you not apologise for this one? Because it happens that's why. Rather than constantly apologise, I say look at the root of what is causing your demotivation. Is it energy related? If so go to the docs and check your hormone & vitamin levels. If it is work related- take a look at why you feel that way. Is this really what you want to do? It is never too late to reevaluate your life.
6. Not having it all figured out.
It is ok not to have an answer for everything in life, be it religion, work, relationships. Life is a journey and if you keep positive and open to it, you can make some wonderful discoveries. The most important thing is that you stay honest about what you like and what you don't like, without fear- as these are the indicators to what will make you happy in life. For example, if you feel you should marry for love & money is not your main priority in life - don't settle for a rich man you don't love because others feel you should. Take your own priorities seriously and let them guide you to the right thing in life. Remember - you can have anything you want in life, if you only have the courage to admit it to yourself. So take time getting to know yourself, and admit what YOU want and need without fear. Then go get it. And don't worry if you don't have it all figured out on paper to show others. True growth happens from within and just because it is not yet externally visible does not mean it doesn't count.
Here is a piece co-written by my and the Interracial Matchmakers. Enjoy.
To set the scene - there you are/ were, crying into you morning muffin....finding it difficult to see past the seemingly eternal emotional cloud you are under. That's the funny thing about love pain, it follows you everywhere, keeping you under no matter what the weather, However, take comfort in the fact we are here to guide you through the storm- and it wont last forever.
I live by the philosophy that storms are easier to weather when forecasted...Similarly, it's important to know what to expect after a break up, the stages can be related to the 5 stages of grief or loss. Before you review these, there are two questions to address:
"Have you actually gotten over your break-up?"
"Do you actually want to get over your break-up?"
If you want to get over it read on, if you want them back... stay tuned.
So the 5 Stages of mourning the loss of a relationship mirror those of grief itself and are as follows:
Stage 1 - Denial
This is the stage where you experience a type of disbelief, a wrestling with reality and dazed confusion or shock. You really don't want to believe the painful reality; you may even be tempted to contact your ex. Best to resist. If needs be, get a friend to watch over your phone on a night out or a girly session in. Needy texts immediately after a break up do not look good. Give it room to breathe...give yourself room to think.
Stage 2 - Anger
Here emotions may flair, you may be angry at yourself or your ex. You may take it out on yourself, them or those around you. This is a difficult one, because lashing out at your supports may be a regrettable side effect. So if you catch yourself saying something you will regret to your friends family and loved ones, apply the stop drop and roll method to cool it down. Stop... talking, seriously even if you are mid rant. If you realise you are being unreasonable and lashing out just stop. Drop... drop your tone and apologise, say its a hard time for you, etc...And roll.. roll on out of there and get some air & time to think. Alone time can help you come to terms with it all.
Stage 3 - Bargaining
Negotiation and blame feature here, you may still be tempted to contact your ex. to negotiate a restoration of your relationship, even reaching out to his/her extended networks and involving mutual friends. DO NOT DO this, your not ready. I argue no ones ready- after a break up space is key...even if you do ultimately want them back give it space and alow for healing.
Stage 4 - Depression
This stage is a stage of regrettable sadness, you'll need plenty of reassurance and hugs from friends, as with all these stages. I say tough it through....its inevitable. Just take courage knowing it wont last forever. Keep your self busy by working out & working on yourself. Take classes. DO NOT wallow. Do not over eat. Don't buy into the American solution of ice cream after a break up, heart broken and putting on weight is not going to make you feel better.
Stage 5 - Acceptance
Although not entering as a grand finale, this stage is the gradual and calm acceptance that allows you to move on. It can become the beginning of a brighter future. You are single and there are a world of other singles...with us here to navigate you to the best ones. Take heart - the horizon looks beautiful.
Once you go through these stages, you are through the worst of the storm.
Next up.... what to do if you don't want to be over it/ want them back. Stay tuned!
Yaay it's morning :) Don't feel that way? Well grab some coffee and celebrate in the knowledge that you have the power today to change tomorrow. Oooh poweerr scarry, It needn't be, you can take baby steps , for example is there someone in your life who puts you down? Makes you doubt yourself? Takes but never gives? Today could be the day you stop letting them live in your head rent free and serve that eviction notice. Or maybe you're the one holding yourself back? Or maybe its a negative experience that you have been through- what ever it may be let today be the day you fight for yourself- because your worth it.
