Inner Space: Positive Thinking Class 1

I have recently determined myself to embark on a positive thinking journey, because I have realised that it is so important to not let life just happen. Just letting things happen= becoming a victim of life, and as powerful beings and intelligent creations, none of us should play that role, especially not in our own life! I have chosen to own the power I have to consciously steer my mind and my life upwards, so I have begun a mission of enlightenment and I invite you to join as I share my experiences and what I learn.

Inner Space Covent Garden: Positive Thinking Course, Week 1 Review

Yesterday Anna & I proactively headed to Covent Garden to listen in on a positive thinking talk run by InnerSpace. Their classes are free & run by volunteers, who are passionate about creating a happier, fulfilled planet. You can check their classes here : http://www.innerspace.org.uk/event_category/courses-in-covent-garden/

I really enjoyed the class, and learned some worthwhile principals I simply must share:

The Garden.

Thoughts are seeds.

A good thought = good fruit
A bad thought= bad fruit.

A bad seed will not reap good positive fruits in your life and will lead to a negative mind.

Your mind is your garden. This makes you the gardener. 

It is important to realise and own the fact that YOU are in charge of your mind, your thoughts, emotions and how you feel. No one can make you plant a seed, ie you do not have to let someone else's negativity grow in your garden.

The Fence=  is your filter

Your mind is precious, and must be protected. Don't just let people chuck litter in your garden and then accept it. For example, someone can be negative to you, but it is up to you whether or not you choose to let that seed grow in your garden, or weed it out. It is up to you to tend to your mind. If you want a positive mindset and a positive mind you will have to work for it.

Analysing thoughts, ie. the seeds:

It is important to recognise the importance of your thoughts. Whether you believe in the law of attraction or spirituality, all agree that everything starts with a thought. The Law Of Attraction goes as far to say that "thoughts become things". Meaning negativity reaps negativity & positivity reaps positivity whilst spiritualists believe that thoughts become your mindset and can lead to a positive, healthy mind, or a negative unhealthy mind. In any case, it is important you evaluate your thoughts constantly.

Yesterday I learned that there are 4 kinds of thoughts.

Negative: things like envy, anger, hate, worry and jealousy
Positive: love, appreciation, gratefulness and happiness
Waste: non productive thoughts, mind wandering, planning things you don't need to worry about
Necessary: the thoughts you need to function.

The aim is to be mindful of what kind of thought you are having before you continue wandering down a path. It is also important to know that sometimes a good thought can lead to a bad one if you are not mindful of your thoughts.

For example:

"Wow she has beautiful hair" (appreciation) can become "I wish I had her hair" ( envy) "My hair sucks"- (self hate and not helpful)

I reasoned that a good practise is to measure each thought against gratefulness, as gratefulness is the root of happiness and the magic of the law of attraction. A negative thought is in essence ungrateful. In this state, good things do not happen.

Take Away Nugget

I have learnt that firstly it is crucially important that I acknowledge that I am in control of my emotions, my thoughts and my mood. This is how I can learn to be effect life instead of have it affect me. This means that I have power over my life, and you have power over yours. Powerlessness is a lie. Every time you take on someones negativity and let that seed grow, you are giving away your power and selling yourself short. So this week I want to challenge you with the same task they gave me :

Approach every circumstance and every thought  this week using SOS.

S= Stand Back
O= Observe
S= Steer

Stand back, away from the emotions of the moment, or craziness,
Observe the thoughts you are having where they are going, how they are shifting your mood.
Steer your mind into a more positive place, remembering that you are in control over YOUR life and YOUR mind.

I am going back to the class next Tuesday & look forward to sharing more. Anyone I can bring along with me on the journey to positivity I will :)

Have a fantastically powerful week.

You Can Have Him, But Do You Really Want Him?

Girl meets boy. Boy starts flirting with girl. Girl likes boy. Girl finds out that boy has a girlfriend. Girl is like WTF?

Sadly, its a tale as old as time scenario which I am sure we have all experienced, witnessed or advised on. You meet a guy who seems perfect, and what is even more perfect is he definitely likes you. Everything is going swimmingly until someone else, in some cases him, drops the bomb that he has a girlfriend. What is even weirder? His flirty behaviour and longing looks don't stop now the jig is up. If anything, they get stronger. Here you find yourself in a weird WTF twilight zone. 

I have witnessed so many friends go though this. Nice girls. Who have sat back so many times before and watched a ballsier girl get the guy, or had a ballsier girl in the same situation, steal theirs. After a while of nice girls finishing last, a few have asked me should they just mean up and take him. I mean, he obviously isn't happy, in many cases he may have even told them so. Maybe he just needs a helping hand. You are clearly what he wants and for once in your life its time you won something right? Wrong. He aint no prize honey.

Why? In this situation the ball is entirely in his court. Whilst I understand how he could meet someone else (you) he likes more than his current (shit happens) it is totally not OK to just pine emotionally for someone else (you) for too long without any action to rectify his home situation and move on. Men like this are weak. They do no favours to you, or his current girlfriend.

I mean, who the hell does he think he is? Has he even told his girlfriend that he is having second thoughts in the relationship, giving her a chance or a heads up? Or does he just think he is some kind of irresistible pimp that both you must want? I bet that if his girlfriend knew he wasn't 100% in, she could start winking back at a few men in her life too. But he is not giving her that benefit is he? No, because he likes holding all the cards. You're blind, she's blind, he's a pimp.

Personally, one of the worst things in the world for me is to be with a man who secretly wants someone else but is too chicken to tell me. You having second thoughts bruh? I like to know these things because if you don't want to be here, I don't want to keep you here. This isn't jail, and I am not your parole officer. So many times guys build it up in their head like they are doing their girlfriend a favour by sticking with her when they would rather move on, but in reality that is just boosting their ego. 

Anyway back to you. You don't want to get in on this messy BS. Dip you toe in and you will surely drown.  He is the one who needs to recognise his feelings and act accordingly. Like a man. He should sort out his relationship first and if it is worth salvaging- do that. If it is dead, he needs to end it- and then come for you. Otherwise he is just weak- someone who gazes at what they want without the courage to go get it. And do you really want a guy like that? Only for you to have him and then in a few years he starts pining for your friends, whilst in his head you are second best? No honey. To someone else you will be first. 

My advice, do nothing. Keep being nice (he may be sorting things out in the background) but DO NOT get involved. A relationship takes a lot of unpacking and there is enough to sort out between the two of them without you. You will only become collateral damage if he does sort it out with his girlfriend and if he leaves her due to your advances, you end up with a booby prize- a weak man, who can't act on what he wants.

That's my take on it anyway. Hope it was helpful :)

Any questions? Email me at info@lifebylois.com

Love,

Lois

Life By Lois

Why The Loner Is Actually The Coolest Kid In School.

In our society we are obsessed with being popular and being validated externally. We regard likes & follows as currency & accumulate them as proof of our worth, existence and value.We judge how pretty we feel we are based on how many likes a selfie gets, or how loved we are, based on how many people wish us happy birthday, or how successful we are, based on how many followers we have on Twitter.

 No longer is our sacred inner bank of self worth built on the gold standard of our own essence of self- rather we have traded that reliable matrix for a new, shoddy one. One that is rooted in whispers, and the public opinion of those who may not even know us. We entrust our intimate definition of self, to strangers, and in doing so we loose our strength.

The most accepted of society are the most vulnerable. Those who are pretty, and have always been told so, those who are gifted, and have been constantly praised. Those who have enjoyed and come to rely upon the sweet taste of external approval. Due to never having to generate their sense of worth internally, when they need to believe in themselves, they rely on others believing first, and so are always dependant on public opinion. It is a dangerous way to live. By cherishing the valuations of those external to us over our own, we devalue our opinion of ourself. It is time to break the cycle.

A lot of people ask me how I am so confident in myself, why I believe I am beautiful, and will say so. Why I believe I am smart, and tell myself. I will tell you why. When I was younger I was never the guys pick. I was never the prettiest, I was never the smartest in class. Others would receive praise from teachers, adults, peers, and I would wait my turn. My chance to be told I was beautiful, the cutest, the best and you know what? That pat on the head never came and so I had to switch the system. I was so done waiting for everyone else's approval I decided to sit in front of the mirror and give it to myself.

 I looked and I said, you know what? I think I am pretty. And I worked on improving the parts of me I felt needed working on. I sat down and started to spend time doing more of what I loved to do (writing) and I said to myself, I am pretty good at that too. I spent the time to get to know and to value myself and built an unshakable internal confidence. Your opinion of me? Is just that, YOUR opinion. Someone else's opinion of you? It's theirs, their problem. Constructive criticism has its place, but you must not allow sense of SELF to be formed and demolished based on others. Who are they anyway? Do they have to live with you? Are they going to get you where you need to be? No. Only you can do that, do don't let others break down your vehicle, in favour of their occasional lift.

Understand this- people make throw away comments all the time. Just look at internet trolls. The comments that you allow to rock your world? They wont loose a wink of sleep on. So honey, get some self respect and start to be the keeper of your worth.

It is time to be like the loner in school. That kid who has no friends and no one to tell them they are awesome, yet still comes in every day& fights on. Take time to tell yourself you are beautiful, that you are smart that you are worthy. Take time to believe it. Take time to enhance your strongest parts and improve on your weaknesses. Take time to believe in you and become the best you. Invest in yourself, study, grow. And lastly, my precious, don't you EVER allow another person to destroy your self worth again. You are valuable. You are the best you, you are unique. Trust and believe.

Any questions, comments or things you would like my advice on? Email info@lifebylois.com

Love,

Life by Lois








 We uphold those in society

The Interracial Matchmakers: how to get over a break up

 

 

Here is a piece co-written by my and the Interracial Matchmakers. Enjoy.

 

To set the scene - there you are/ were, crying into you morning muffin....finding it difficult to see past the seemingly eternal emotional cloud you are under. That's the funny thing about love pain, it follows you everywhere, keeping you under no matter what the weather, However, take comfort in the fact we are here to guide you through the storm- and it wont last forever.

I live by the philosophy that storms are easier to weather when forecasted...Similarly, it's important to know what to expect after a break up, the stages can be related to the 5 stages of grief or loss. Before you review these,  there are two questions to address:

"Have you actually gotten over your break-up?"

"Do you actually want to get over your break-up?"

If you want to get over it read on, if you want them back... stay tuned.

So the 5 Stages of mourning the loss of a relationship mirror those of grief itself and are as follows:

Stage 1 - Denial

This is the stage where you experience a type of disbelief, a wrestling with reality and dazed confusion or shock. You really don't want to believe the painful reality; you may even be tempted to contact your ex. Best to resist. If needs be, get a friend to watch over your phone on a night out or a girly session in. Needy texts immediately after a break up do not look good. Give it room to breathe...give yourself room to think.

Stage 2 - Anger

Here emotions may flair, you may be angry at yourself or your ex. You may take it out on yourself, them or those around you. This is a difficult one, because lashing out at your supports may be a regrettable side effect. So if you catch yourself saying something you will regret to your friends family and loved ones, apply the stop drop and roll method to cool it down. Stop... talking, seriously even if you are mid rant. If you realise you are being unreasonable and lashing out just stop. Drop... drop your tone and apologise, say its a hard time for you, etc...And roll.. roll on out of there and get some air & time to think. Alone time can help you come to terms with it all. 

Stage 3 - Bargaining

Negotiation and blame feature here, you may still be tempted to contact your ex. to negotiate a restoration of your relationship, even reaching out to his/her extended networks and involving mutual friends. DO NOT DO this, your not ready. I argue no ones ready- after a break up space is key...even if you do ultimately want them back give it space and alow for healing.

Stage 4 - Depression

This stage is a stage of regrettable sadness, you'll need plenty of reassurance and hugs from friends, as with all these stages. I say tough it through....its inevitable. Just take courage knowing it wont last forever. Keep your self busy by working out & working on yourself. Take classes. DO NOT wallow. Do not over eat. Don't buy into the American solution of ice cream after a break up, heart broken and putting on weight is not going to make you feel better.

Stage 5 - Acceptance

Although not entering as a grand finale, this stage is the gradual and calm acceptance that allows you to move on. It can become the beginning of a brighter future. You are single and there are a world of other singles...with us here to navigate you to the best ones. Take heart - the horizon looks beautiful.

Once you go through these stages, you are through the worst of the storm.

Next up.... what to do if you don't want to be over it/ want them back. Stay tuned!

5 ways to Feel Better

Must have head starts, since even the sun cant be bothered to get up

Bah! it has been a dull week, and if you are anything like me it took a little more then coffee and a sheer will to get you to 100% . Well enough being battered by winter - I say we paint our sunshine. Girl here it is, 5 ways to feel better now.

Start your day on Purpose

Get up with a routine, rushing round just makes you look tired and you hair crazy. Crazy face and hair ain't sexy, and its hard to feel confident when you look like poo- FACT. So what do I do about it? IGNORE that Snooze button and start my day on purpose. Then this gives me time to light some scented candles, play some good morning tracks, decide what I am going to wear, tackle my hair and get on with my day. I know that sounds annoyingly perky, and trust me,  some mornings I struggle, but you know what? those extra  minutes you wrestled out of your alarm will do you no favors, when you spend the day apologizing for your lethargy. Start the day on your terms.

Pop Your Colour

 Nothing makes me feel better then a splash of colour - its not just for the 90's , guests on Ricky Lake or Euro vision contestants. Seriously! Stop wearing head to toe black you're not 60 ! Who says that colour is just for summer? It is time to dress your way out of the winter blues. If you are not as bold as the beautiful Clara here then start with accessories, and work your way up to block items, anchored with a dark colour staple jacket or pants and then what the hell radiate head to toe.... like Solange here.

Ps. I love you Clara but no one shall dare bring back the bom bag. Nooo! not even you. 

Freakin Awesome Hair

Freakin Awesome hair. Sorry it has to be said. Awesome hair makes you feel awesome. On days when you cant really control much else a beautiful barnet is sure to keep you smiling. Now I don't know what hair you have & if you are anything like me, you hair has the propensity to rebel.

Here are some tricks for keeping it under control and getting the mane you desire.

- the hair dryer. Overlooked as a salon tool or something for rushed upside down drying- the hair dryer is often overstepped for its counter part the ceramic straightener. However I am going to campaign right now for the comeback of the hair dryer in everyday good grooming. Used with the right ceramic backed round bristled brush it builds body, use heat defence first to avoid frazzles and enjoy the floaty feelin'.

Treat your Tummy

So I am awful when it comes to this, I just pump tasty rubbish into my body and expect it to run like a machine. No fair- and no, I am not going to get on you about healthy living 24/7 because girl that ain't my style but on days when you need the boost, make sure you have some fresh grapefruit and vitamins to kick your but into gear. In general as a woman it is so important we keep up on vitamins that encourage energy, to protect the world with the crazy that comes with being over worked and under appreciated ( aka a mother, sister, friend, woman). I just started on some Iron & vitamin C , D and B supplements. They don't even taste bad, so there is no excuse not to pep your step from within.

The Small Things

Take care of your self girl. It is ridiculous the JOY having your 'nails did brings' . Stop  shamefully hiding your chipped nails & treat yourself to a bit of pride. If you live in London- The London Esthetiques Student Salon- will give you a beautiful set for a even more gorgeous price. And if times are hard still- go treat your self to some of my favourite good value brands - Barry M, Miss Sporty and NYC. Boom !

And there we have it 5 ways to trick yourself into feeling its summer....and before you know it it will be. Hang in there my lovelies!

VALENTINES DAY FOR HIM

Quick ! its one day to Valentienes day! and for all you ladies who are stuck on what to get your guy- I say give the gift that keeps on giving- Male grooming! Being smooth and sexy needs to extend past pickup lines to a way of life- after all, why should we be the only ones  to put in effort and this way you get to reap the benefits. Jesus was right- I is better to give...


 I love LOreal's video with Eva Longoria, my point exactly

Yves Saint Laurent Healthy Look Moisturizer-£30

LAB Series Max LS Overnight Renewal Serum-£36

Clinique Maximum Hydrator- £28

Dior Homme Intense Perfume- £67.50

Happy V day! 

xxx

Lois Aymes Wilson

L  A W // on life